Eternals ★½

Yay thanks for the LGBT representation Chloe Zhao… now I can proudly say that a gay character was behind Hiroshima!

In all seriousness it’s far better than I thought it would be, to call this worse than fucking Ant-Man and The Wasp is fucking braindead. 

The CGI is great, some performances are really good (not you Selma Hayek), the story had a few clever elements, I know I joked about it at the start but the representation is great and I think the costumes look great.

Bryan Tyree Henry was the best part of the movie, his character was dope and I wish they did more with him and that he had more screen time. 

Richard Madden (aka worse but sexy Homelander) and Gemma Chan were the standouts here, each elevating their material even when it becomes batshit crazy. 

Ok the downside is that this movie really has no idea what it wants to be. It’s tone completely changes constantly, some characters just turn evil and then good again, oh and some literally just leave lol.

It wants to have the grandeur of a world ending threat that’s so unbelievably impossible for the characters to solve that they’re forced in their third act to come up with this ridiculously easy and stupid plan that is right out of a Power Rangers movie.

Literally this movies third act:

The villains are boring, forgettable and underdeveloped, plus the CGI for the lead deviant is horrendous. The worst part about this is that the movie knows how bad the villain is because then, you know, the main cast of characters basically become the villains themselves. 

Some performances are pretty dry, especially from Salma Hayek who seems so miserable to be there and like she couldn’t give less of a shit, it really sucks. Angelina Jolie’s character is cool but her performance kinda lacks, she’s a completely forgettable character that does and achieves very little.

Kumil Nanjiani’s character also just fucking leaves and does nothing in the third act and then gets credit.

One characters name is literally Sprite lmao, like the soft drink. 

The pacing is kinda all over the place, the movie is pretty boring, which is weird for a Chloe Zhao film, since Nomadland flows so beautifully. 

Look, it was better than I thought it would be, it has nice moments but it’s kind of a clusterfuck. 

Chloe Zhao did the best she could but yeah it was like “eh”, it’s no ‘The Suicide Squad’ 😎

Oh and also they reference DC characters in the movie??? Wtf

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