Victoria

I actually wanted to send hate mail to the director for three quarters-ish of this alleged "single take" nothing. I also thought I was in for a quick 75-minute stunt of some sort. 'Run Lola Run' redux perhaps? Boy was I wrong. You're in for the long haul with this shit. Every character is repellent and stupid beyond belief — yes, even, and especially, SNL-Bjork "Victoria" and all the dynamism she brings to bear when the unfathomably long film calls upon her to ditch the irredeemably, insultingly clueless manic pixie dream girl schtick she has honed for 130-some odd minutes for the last ten, and, instead, conjure the snot and drool and wailing that this sort of shaky-cam "realist" garbage calls for when Shit Gets Real. Maybe I'm too sober for this, these days. I've been a drunk obnoxious foreigner before, and known several. I would never, however, nowadays, willingly spend 140 minutes in the company of one, let alone five, who have a group vocabulary generally consisting of variations on, 'yes,' 'bitch,' 'faggot,' 'wanker' and 'retard,' and I've CERTAINLY had enough of both manic pixie dream girl/irrepressible SNL Bjork at the cinema for a lifetime. And don't get me started on chunky, drunk German Shia Lebouf — whom I can only assume we're supposed to find charming, because he's so wasted and can't speak in complete sentences in English or German (???). There's a bank robbery and fallout after what feels like hours of the kids flirting, cursing and horsing around in the streets, in which the only excitement I felt was the anticipation of the cops icing the lot of them. This flick took a lot of effort to make, I'll give it that. I mean, the snot and drool V/MPDg/SNLB and 'Boxer' work up during the climax is certainly lingered over lovingly enough by the director to imply that it took a lot of work to get just so. Lots of effort indeed - perhaps only slightly more than it took me to watch the goddamn thing, though. And you won't catch me calling this thing I did tonight Art, no matter how hard it was.