• Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

    Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

    ★★★½

    I didn't think much about this movie after I first saw it, but it was actually pretty good. And, I can't tell you how many times "the elves went too far" has come in handy in conversation.

  • The French Dispatch

    The French Dispatch

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Me when at the beginning: "This is exactly pretentious enough for me. Hooray!"

    Me during the first part: "This is too pretentious, even for me."

    Me during the second part: "This is too pretentious for anyone and anybody who tells me they like it, I'm not going to be friends with anymore."

    Me during the third part: "Wes Anderson, you rat bastard. What a great fucking idea for a movie you had: little sleepy French town; corrupt cops and shady…

  • Mitchell

    Mitchell

    "Be strong and true
    I love you
    goodbye"

  • Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage

    Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage

    ★★★½

    That fateful day when MTV/Viacom could no longer guarantee Carson Daly's safety...

    Obviously, these events were abhorrent on every level. There's no ideological clear path through this stuff, and when you try to make one, you just end up defending Creed. Which, ok, maybe they were the best amongst us, we just couldn't see it, who knew? But, as incisive a documentary as this is, it tries to have too many things both ways: blaming musicians for Woodstock '99 and…

  • Dune

    Dune

    ★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Am I the only one who's going to admit I thought this was going to be a whole movie?

  • Black Widow

    Black Widow

    ★★★½

    I know it's in vogue for all of our friends who like good movies to hate on these, but when they have all the actors from all of the good movies, isn't that just a win for everyone?

  • Moonraker

    Moonraker

    ★★

    Very possibly the worst Bond film ever. But very also possibly the best poster of this, or any, franchise ever.

  • I'm Going to Bite Someone

    I'm Going to Bite Someone

    ★★★★½

    Dildarian's opus in my opinion.

  • Becoming Bond

    Becoming Bond

    So, there’s a scene in here where George Lazenby attempts to sneak into someone’s hotel room to basically rape her, but then gets diarrhea, so he can’t. This is played for a laugh like just about everything else in this tone-deaf debacle about what could have been a really interesting story. Uhgh.

  • Dirty Work

    Dirty Work

    ★★★★★

    "Ridiculous.”

  • Hustlers

    Hustlers

    ★★½

    I get what they were going for, but honestly, J-Lo deserved a better script to cement this as one of the most epic Queen Bee performances of all time…

    Ultimately, she’s just a low-level criminal—she should have been fucking Tony Montana.

  • Top Secret!

    Top Secret!

    ★★★★½

    Brilliant. Who the hell would think to just put boots on a real cow and add voiceover? These brilliant bastards.