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  • Free Fire

    Free Fire

    ★½

    No one can convince me this isn't just a 12-minute short film on YouTube

  • Amores Perros

    Amores Perros

    Dismal misery porn disguised as arté.

    Iñárritu can't deliver thematics for shit, even with an entire third of this film devoted to one abysmally obvious metaphor.

    The grit and ugliness of this cinematography actually makes me hate The Revenant more.

    Don't make your title a pun.

    Not giving characters an arc is not making your film 'unconventional', it's just shitty writing

    If you like this film you probably hate dogs.

    Seriously, Iñárritu has some fucked up feelings towards dogs

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  • The Virgin Suicides

    The Virgin Suicides

    ★★★½

    Kind of amazing how Sofia Coppola made a stylized movie out of, what is essentially, the color beige in film form

  • The Revenant

    The Revenant

    ★★½

    Watching The Revenant is a lot like dating Shia LaBeouf. Sure he's a beautifully talented young man, but you're probably gonna have to put up with a weird BDSM fetish and listen to incoherent rants about god, art and some vaguely racist ideas.