<Todd>’s review published on Letterboxd:
"You nicknamed my daughter after the Lochness monster!?!" - bella,
"Right... the adoption" - Charlie
- Twilight Ranked: boxd.it/2XeR6
Here we are folks, this is it! The final Twilight review until I rewatch them next year. You haven't heard the definitive take until you've heard it from America's number one male Twilight fan aged 40 or above. This is my favorite of the five films and one of the most insane bad good films ever.
HOW I FEEL:
I sold out my wife and I'm confessing. Opening night. We got to AMC early because it was open seating so we settled in about 20 minutes before the trailers. By my count there were less than 5 men there. I stepped out to get a beer and the bartender is this kind of buff dude and says "Oh no, did the girlfriend make you come to this?" and I just kind of shrugged and was like "yeah man" and he said "Well I hope this beer helps!" ........ I lied! I should have said "actually I made my wife go because I, Todd, am one of America's biggest Twilight fans and I wanted to be here to share in the experience with fellow twilight fans, my only community in which I feel safe! So I don't need the beer to deal with the film, I want the beer in order to enhance the experience!!!!!!!" To which he probably would've said "cool bro." Anyways, sorry to all fans for bearing false witness.
This is perhaps the best theater experience that I have ever had in that the crowd lost their damn minds every five minutes. It should be noted that Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson had just broke so in the final credits the crowd booed for Kristen Stewart, which was funny (I didn't care about what happened by the way, I never was obsessed with these actors, I'm in it for the Twilight universe exclusively).
People say nothing happens in these films but tons of shit happens in these films. The ongoing struggle is that the world can't accept how cool Bella and Edward are so stuff keeps getting in the way.
Bella is now a hot vampire with a vampire/human hybrid child named Renesme and a super cool vampire family. Once she adjusts to the fact that her daughter was given to a werewolf as part of a creepy wolf sex pact called imprinting things are moving along smoothly until their rapidly growing daughter (magic) is seen jumping in the air by Irina Denali. Irina believes the Cullens have created an immortal child (see terms) and tells the Volturi.
When Alice sees that the Volturi are coming to kill them all, the Cullens recruit vampire witnesses from all over the world, many with insane powers, to come and witness to the Volturi that Renesme is actually just the coolest child to ever exist. As the tensions build an all-out fight that is gutsier than almost any action fantasy film of the last 30 years ensues and is reversed and the film ends with a curtain call credits reel that made the audience jump for joy.
- Immortal Children- Vampires got bored and turned children into vampires to have fake forever children. The problem is children are crazy and when they have vampire powers they kill crowds... BANNED.
- A shield- When Bella becomes a vampire they realize she is a shield which is someone that can block talents of other vampires, unless her child or Jasper uses powers for some reason (FLAW)
- Renesme: She is a demon child and an affront to nature and would be dead if it was up to me. She is the child of Edward and Bella and specializes in being boring and computer generated. She is half human/half vampire and that scares everyone.
- Kate and Tanya: More Denali sisters. Kate's extra vampire power is electrocution and Tanya's power is big boobs. Their mom created an immortal child and was murdered along with the child.
- Benjamin: aka the Avatar- Rami Malek plays a beautiful vampire that can control the four elements. His specialty is to do the right thing.
- Carlisle: Daddy Vampire and all around nice guy. He is much better in the books but still great. When his head gets ripped off by Aro (not in the books) a woman screamed "oh my God" and then I just heard a chorus of "NOOOOOOO."
WHY I LIKE IT:
It should be noted that this is the highest rated of the films, even though all of them are rated too low because of mass insanity (not saying these should be rated as high as I put them but them being all under 2.5, no way).
I like it because it is an entertaining as fuck film that rewards those that have paid attention, introduces humorous new mythology and features a talented cast of actors doing whatever the fuck they want with some of the weirdest dialogue in history. Children are burned, mountain lions are eaten, war stories are told, heads are ripped, vampire fuck fests occur, the famous Aro laugh is in this motherfucker, and the movie does a curtain call credits ending for almost every person with a speaking part in this series which is fucking hysterical. You don't like it? Great for you!
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE PARTS:
There is a A LOT to deal with in this final film. Specifically, there is a 30 minute battle scene that even most Twilight haters admit is pretty good. I will say it is especially good if you know who all the wolves are. I obviously do given the fact that I was once top ten in the world in the Trivia Crack Twilight category.
(1) The Immortal Child flashback- A child thrown into a fucking fire.
(2) Bella realizes she's "super fucking thirsty" but not until reminded
(3) J. Jenks... what the fuck is that scene about? Bunk does it though!
(4) Aro's laugh... it's the best fucking thing ever and award worthy.
(5) Jacob strips for Charlie and Billy Burke nails the Charlie reaction
(6) Tween werewolves... where's that Nickelodeon show?
(7) Sitting around a fire telling war stories about famous historic battles
(8) Caius says "Artifice!!!"
(9) The final credits to that "thousand years" song....YES!
(10) Dracula 1 and Dracula 2... they lost their castles.
RECOMMENDED TO: People ready to continue blissfully into this small but perfect piece of forever.