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  • Descendants

    Descendants

    ★★★★½

    The best DCOMs are the meta-DCOMs.

    I say that fully aware of my own subjective bias when I state that claim. As a person, I'm predisposed to enjoy any and all forms of metafiction - books, TV; fourth wall breaks, authorial intervention; wink nods, references, the whole nine yards. I have no idea why I like this type of thing - maybe I'm a pretentious asshole [my bet], maybe I'm just a person who likes the analyze structure a bit…

  • Never Rarely Sometimes Always

    Never Rarely Sometimes Always

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    TW: Abortion, rape, abuse, alcoholism, suicide

    $385. That’s how much an abortion cost in the state of Rhode Island in 2013.

    We were in love. That is to say - I was in love. It was the kind of love that no one in reality has ever experienced, the kind you can only find in pop songs and movies. The kind you run out to coddle at 2 AM. The kind where a minute apart is two minutes too long.…

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  • Can of Worms

    Can of Worms

    ★★★

    Have you ever been just walking down the road en route to pick up an extra box of Mac and Cheese for dinner because you accidentally spilt the one you had all over the floor, and on this noble journey, unprovoked, you randomly recall the weird ass creature monsters you drew in your sketch book in elementary school in the years before you started to notice girls/guy/both and said to yourself, “How did I come up with that shit without…

  • Kim Possible

    Kim Possible

    ★½

    There are some pieces of your childhood that you remember every detail of long after you last came into contact with them. Sometimes it was because they were a source of obsession, and you memorized every detail so well that they permanently lodged their specifics in your skull forever, despite the fact that no one in their late 20s needs to have a detailed opinion on the validity of the Digi-Eggs. Other things are there because they've morphed into generational…

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  • The Knight Before Christmas

    The Knight Before Christmas

    ★★½

    My fiancée: "You know, he wouldn't even know what the word 'cozy' means."
    Me: "Dude, if I think too hard about this movie, it'll ruin it."

    Five minutes later...
    My fiancée: "You know, he probably wouldn't even know what an orange is."

  • Teen Beach Movie

    Teen Beach Movie

    ★★★★★

    I think when most people talk about film, they want to talk about it as a Valid Thing™. For some reason or another, unfortunately, "validity" is defined by how "high brow" it is, which means merit lies in artfulness. It's why romance novels are buried in your aunt's bathroom, and why video game enthusiasts are so adamant to be taken seriously. Of course, there's a whole separate conversation of validity gained through subversion/transgression, i.e. camp, but camp has more to…