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  • This Means War

    This Means War

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Reese, honey... you picked the wrong guy. Can you imagine Chris Pine beating Tom Hardy at anything other than a crying contest? Genuinely nuts to code the tattooed British hunk as the "safe" choice.

    I will say that Reese dancing to "This Is How We Do It" is exactly the sort of content her constituents like to see.

  • Sweet Home Alabama

    Sweet Home Alabama

    ★★★½

    Earlier this year, I did a deep dive on the filmography of Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow. Today, I am here to announce the subject of my next film-watching project: Draper James CEO Reese Witherspoon. If you're not a fan of perky Southern dynamos, I would recommend avoiding my feed for the next week or so.

    Viewed primarily through the prism of a rom-com, Sweet Home Alabama is one of the better ones. Directed by Andy Tennant, whose next film, Hitch,…

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  • Detroit

    Detroit

    ★★

    I'm from Detroit. I've lived in and around the city for the majority of my life. This movie has nothing to say about this city, the uprising of '67 or, most damningly, what it's like to be black in America. Detroit (the movie) is the cinematic equivalent of Ramsay Bolton from Game of Thrones; it luxuriates interminably in the depths of human depravity without ever arriving at a meaningful conclusion. Maybe the hopelessness I felt watching Detroit was intentional. It…

  • Fifty Shades Freed

    Fifty Shades Freed

    ★½

    This is the last one of these fucking movies and you *still* don't see his penis. What the actual fuck? Dakota Johnson has been baring it all since the beginning, but all we get of Jamie Dornan is a hint of pubes. There's only one explanation for this not-so-kinky fuckery: Jamie Dornan has a bad dick.