• Titanic



    My review of Titanic remains the same as it was over twenty-five years ago when, at the impressionable age of five, I saw it in the theater with my family: "Boobies!" I'm pretty sure I can trace my lifelong obsession with redheads to Kate Winslet's Rose Dawson (née DeWitt Bukater). Spent the entire movie swooning over Big Jim Cameron's ballsy brand of Movie Magic™—death looms larger at (almost) thirty-one than it does at five, and the slow, sinking horror of…

  • Avatar: The Way of Water

    Avatar: The Way of Water


    James Cameron is in the Biblical epic mode of his Greatest Showman career except his Bible is a Greenpeace bumper sticker and it doesn't have any of the kinky shit that made Cecil B. DeMille's Bible stories fun for grown-ups (wanting to fuck a 12 foot tall blue space cat is not a kink I'm interested in seeing represented on screen). Look, I'm not made of stone, the whale shit put a lump in my throat, but that's only 45…

  • Fascination



    Watching this the night before a date is what got me horny enough to give me the requisite courage to make a move. I saw tits in the flesh for the first time in a half-decade last night and I owe it all to Jean Rollin. Merci, monsieur.

  • Woman in the Moon

    Woman in the Moon


    Moved beyond measure by the sight of the elderly and malnourished Professor Manfeldt, a man of vision reduced to ignominious poverty by the small-mindedness of others, excitedly sharing his first real meal in God knows how long with Josephine the mouse. Nearly broke down in tears all over again when we see Manfeldt bring his rodent roommate in misery with him on his long-awaited journey into outer space. An almost impossibly tender reminder to appreciate the ones in your life,…

  • Smile



    A potent horror movie about what it's like to be thirty years old in 2022 (it is not a coincidence that Kyra Sedgwick's Mini Me was, like me, born in 1992). From the casting of former Scrubs main cast member Judy Reyes to naming the cat "Moustache," a deeply millennial work of art. The transition from Sosie Bacon *screaming internally* to her joylessly smashing a burger in a parked car is going to haunt me tonight.

  • The Single Standard

    The Single Standard


    My first Garbo silent and it's about how Greta Garbo is so beautiful that men should literally kill themselves so that she can keep YOLO-ing, which I think we can all agree is a sound moral. I was tickled by how comically over-determined Nils Asther's hunkiness was. You're telling me this man is a champion boxer, a renowned painter, a sensitive poetry lover AND a globe-trotting sailor? C'mon, my guy, how are the rest of us supposed to compete with that resume?!

  • Bodies Bodies Bodies

    Bodies Bodies Bodies


    Being the wizened, curmudgeonly thirty year old man that I am, I went into this Gen Z satire with my eyes pre-rolled, ready to lash myself to the stake and be consumed by the flames of my hatred for Pete Davidson, and yet, by the end, I merely disliked it, which comes out as a win in my book. Isn't it funny how that works? I liked Bodies Bodies Bodies and Prey about the same in that I didn't care…

  • Prey



    My life slipped into disarray after I stopped regularly posting reviews here, so I'm gonna try to get back in the habit. Watched this a month ago, don't remember much about it except that the dog was cute. The Deadliest Warrior comps are accurate in that the whole thing looks like it belongs on Spike TV. Dan Trachtenberg, you're better than drones! Save that shit for Netflix true crime docs. On top of the ugly digital sheen, the entire cast…

  • Bullet Train

    Bullet Train

    What is this mall punk Guy Ritchie Toonami ass shit? A waking nightmare.

  • The Forgiven

    The Forgiven


    A movie about Ralph Fiennes processing his guilt for having his name listed in Epstein's black book. Meanwhile, Jessica Chastain delivers lines like "Did you do anal?" and "I think men need sluts" while wearing kinky footwear and looking hot as hell. Good movie.

  • Letter from an Unknown Woman

    Letter from an Unknown Woman


    "Tell me, when you climb up a mountain, what then?"

    "Well, you come down again."

  • Thor: Love and Thunder

    Thor: Love and Thunder

    Bad superhero movies are a helluva lot better when you see them with a woman (or whoever) you'd like to have sex with who enjoys them. I recommend this course of action to all those suffering from MMF (Marvel Movie Fatigue). After awhile, I started to enjoy how half-assed everything about it was. There was once a time, long ago now, when if a studio produced an "A" picture with big stars and bigger budgets, it meant that the movie…