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  • Babes In Toyland

    Babes In Toyland

    ½

    Life hack: if an evil overlord who lives in a giant bowling ball sprays green gas at you, sing about Cincinnati, Ohio, and you won't turn into a goblin.

    I cannot tell you how much I hated this. The opening overture started playing and tricked me into thinking I was going to be watching something good, but what I really watched was a fever dream with terrible acting and an even worse story. @Tim Burton, please remake this and do a good job, I'm begging you.

  • Mid90s

    Mid90s

    ★★★★

    Check out the cojones on this kid for telling his mom to "stfu." If I tried saying anything like that to my mom, the last time you guys would see me would be at the funeral service.

    After watching this, I'm upset with myself for not watching this in theaters. The acting and story were both great, and it was an excellent coming of age story. I really felt for the teenagers in this; growing up and trying to fit in is no simple task.

    Also, Lucas Hedges is going to win an Academy Award before he's 30 years old. Mark my words.

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  • A Monster Calls

    A Monster Calls

    ★½

    I suppose I should preface this by saying how lovely the camera work was, and how uniquely original the animated sequences were. The "tale" sequences were all rather diverting...

    ...however...

    I did not find myself at all stimulated or entertained for the majority of the film. Instead, my thoughts began to border on murderous, as I sat and observed the actions of the protagonist, Conor. I was unable to like him as a character, and, to put it quite frankly,…

  • Child's Play

    Child's Play

    ★★½

    The Mom from 7th Heaven, Prince Humperdinck from Princess Bride, and Marty from Grease all walk into a bar-

    I'm surprised the mom and the cop actually managed to survive and not get sent straight to the pearly gates with their embarrassing display of "self defense" and "intelligence." I'd love to be given an opportunity to kick a door open with a cigarette in my mouth while wearing cargo pants (to hold my 6 different knives) and brandishing an impressive-looking…