Suspiria ★★

"This is not art!!!"--Suspiria(2018) is gonna have a field day with this one.

Suspiria is a 2018 satanic ritual starring Dakota Johnson doing her best impression of Elsa Jean doing her best impression of Hermione Granger in the seminal "Harry Potter's Wizarding World of Wild Wands Episode 7: The Golden Snitch in your Snatch Porn Parody.

Honestly, I could watch three hours of Dakota Johnson just silently brushing her hair and be entertained the whole time because I'm creepy as all get out (you know what you signed up for when you clicked on this) so you know from my rating this was pretty bad.

Besides "The House That Jack Built", this was the only other movie I was excited for this year, and girls and gals and guys let me level with you it was not good. Dakota Johnson does really talk like a porn actress the whole time for some reason. Ironically even more so than any scene in 50 shades (except maybe for the infamous "Xbox" line from the first one).

It's an irritating nostalgia trip, but also incredibly cryptic and because of this is it is not only a poor remake of the original but just a poor film in general. It's slow, but not methodical. Long, but wastes its runtime on poorly implemented imagery and dream sequences.

Honestly, it reminded me a lot of Slenderman(2018). Slenderman was so bad mostly because so much of that movie is just cutting fast through random shots of unrelated and nonsense "creepy" things. Suspiria does literally the same thing. Why is that girl holding a hook over her vagina? Who is that person in the mask? Who is this old lady in this bed?

What the fuck is an Ohio?

So anytime that I was supposed to be scared, I was too busy being confused by the narrative. Is it all subtext? Is it all literal? I don't know, I don't care. I think it's about sexual repression/release and femininity, but it's also about politics and concentration camps?


And regardless of that, what is being said about those things anyway? That bottling up feelings only results in a violent release? Who cares?

Do you remember when the first one was a fun nonsense movie with Dr. Udo "Exposition" Kier and incest lady, and it had pretty colors and a soundtrack that made people lose their hearing? Why does everything have to be so goddamn complicated all the time?

I'm a fan of Radiohead, and the music that Thom Yorke did for this is fantastic, but the songs where he sings don't fit even remotely well into the tone or narrative of the film at all. Radiohead is something I do my homework to, not something I do...witch rituals to.

I like to save my "Gregorian Chant" Spotify playlist for those

Instead of sitting through this, just go listen to "A Moon Shaped Pool" then to "In Rainbows", and when I graduate and release my first feature film and it makes $23 at the box office, go grab your mom's credit card and get yourself a subscription to Harry Potter's Wizarding World of Wild where I will be producing the industries finest Harry Potter porn parodies available.

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