• Forrest Gump

    Forrest Gump

    ★★

    [forrest gump voice] these jennies want niiikeees

  • Gummo

    Gummo

    ★★★★

    I was riding my bike a few weeks ago. I had just made it through the underpass, and was heading straight down the avenue. You know the one. It has the bowling alley that I went to with my friends on that half-day in the sixth grade. The 7-Eleven with the Redbox outside that I browsed while my mom was inside getting her gum. The car wash that, even though it was an utter waste of money, fascinated my younger…

  • Parental Guidance

    Parental Guidance

    okay guys I’m gonna review it this time...




    jk you’ve been pranked once again. still haven’t even seen this movie. april fools.

  • Multiple Maniacs

    Multiple Maniacs

    ★★★★

    John Waters opens this film by mocking what he knew would be his primary audience: cis-hets who wanted to point and laugh at people whom they perceive as different than them. He spends the entire movie building and building upon exaggerated stereotypes of the gay community. To those cis-het white people, this is a horror film. To us, it’s a hilarious masterwork that juxtaposes an absolutely bonkers story with the real experience of not fitting the norm during this time period.

    Leave a comment if that rosary scene in the church is one of my new favorite scenes in any movie.

  • Mondo Trasho

    Mondo Trasho

    ★½

    During this film about a foot fetishist, a car crash, and a foot amputation, we talked about Charles Manson, how cool the soundtrack and sound design was, our annoyance with the constant reappearance of the “oh no” TikTok song, how stores should openly advertise that they have condoms, our fear of the Bible Belt, and the song “Gyöngyhajú Lány” by Omega.

  • X-Men: Apocalypse

    X-Men: Apocalypse

    ★½

    I’m not happy.

  • The Muppet Movie

    The Muppet Movie

    ★★★★½

    Tears can’t help but flow from my eyes as I sit here watching the credits of this magical, heartwarming, hilarious masterpiece for what has to be at least the fifth time in my life. The immediate shockwaves of serotonin I felt the second the “opening shot” of the sky began are unparalleled by any film I’ve ever witnessed. There’s so much emotion packed into the script, characters, writing, and songs of this film that I can’t help but feel like…

  • BIONICLE: Mask of Light

    BIONICLE: Mask of Light

    We were on a quest to watch every Bionicle film. We were on a quest for forgotten kino that had been left behind by the old days of shitty 2000s animation that looks like a PS2 cutscene. But, between Bi*nicle, my current state of mental numbness, the vaguely racist dialogue/characters and general chumpfuckery, this has been a cromulent fuckcrustable of a day.

    Lizard King needy drinky.

    Bionicle month is fucking cancelled.

  • Freddy Got Fingered

    Freddy Got Fingered

    ★★★½

    Okay, so, around the 17-and-a-half minute mark, there is a scene that’s only 24 seconds or so in which Gordy is eating a sandwich while driving and pulls over to look at... something. And then, out of absolutely fucking nowhere, the sandwich becomes larger when it cuts back to him and he now is holding a fucking large tray with a bunch of chewed up sandwich bits spewed all over it and there’s suddenly, like, soooo much fucking sandwich everywhere.…

  • Electroma

    Electroma

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I want to be alone
    I need to touch each stone
    Face the grave that I have grown
    I want to be alone

    Two robots are on a quest to become human. The reason why is irrelevant. If they succeed or not is undecided. If it is even possible is never questioned. Because what is most important is the feeling. The chase. The concept that humanity is tangible and can be attainable. No one knows what they might find or…

  • Battlefield Earth

    Battlefield Earth

    300 FOLLOWERS SPECIAL!!!

    As you can all see, our Travolta tradition (or Travoltradition rather) continues and shows no sign of stopping. However, our prior installments in this series of reviews have only covered Mr. Travolta’s work of the late-2010s. Frankly, I find it unfair that I have put so much disrespect on his name based on one era of his filmography. So, why not take a look at a film from Travolta’s prime this time? I’m sure it will supply…

  • Eyes Wide Shut

    Eyes Wide Shut

    ★★★★½

    Ho, ho, ho! It is I, the Jew that loves Christmas way too much! But, you can just call me Lizard Klaus during this time of year. Today I have watched the film Eyes Wide Shut for the first time. I watched it with my friends Halliday and Marcus.

    Halliday is my older brother, Marcus is my older sister and Halliday is my cousin (she isn’t). Halliday’s parents died when I was about 8 years old, and Marcus’ parents passed away…