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  • The Thomas Crown Affair

    The Thomas Crown Affair

    ★★★★

    SEXY CHESS! HOW THE HELL DID THEY EVEN!? Never in a million years did I think chess could seem sexy. NEVER. It turns out all you need is Steve McQueen, Faye Dunaway, some flirtatious eyes, footsie, and some strong lip biting. Three stars goes to this scene alone. The other goes to the superb opening bank heist - working as a proto-French Connection/Mean Streets, hyper-stylish, frenetically edited, high energy sequence. I really dug the film's constant employment of split-screen; an…

  • The Magnificent Seven

    The Magnificent Seven

    ★★★

    What a ridiculously silly movie. The narrative is riddled with such stupendous moments as ‘the villain giving the seven back all their guns’, ‘half of the villain’s men dying and then apparently still outnumbering the village’, and ‘the love story with as little context and chemistry as possible’. The film seems very dated, playing mostly as a male fairytale farce (with Chico being one of the single most irritating characters in the entire Western genre). 

    On the other hand, Yul…

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  • Out of Blue

    Out of Blue

    If you’re looking to watch the least tense detective film ever made, look no further than this diabolical pile of pretension. I’m not sure whether it’s the nursery basic physics that feels the need to explain Schrodinger’s Cat at least seven times, pacing that feels like a sloth doing its nails while watching paint dry, possibly the most ineffective score in recent cinema memory, or the film’s complete inability to get a single good performance from its impressive cast, that…

  • Vice

    Vice

    ★½

    Been in the cinema for three minutes when Adam McKay comes in and hits me over the head with a baseball bat.

    Hey, what the -
    DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT DICK CHANEY!??
    I mean, yeah, that would be the point -
    DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW BAD DICK CHANEY WAS!??
    Yeah, I was aware -
    HE WAS SO BAD. IT'S SHOCKING. IT'S OUTRAGEOUS. HE WAS THE WORST!!
    Right. Can I watch something, or are you just going…