Synecdoche, New York

Synecdoche, New York ★★★★★

i think about experience a lot, more than i probably should. there is always a first time you experience something and a last, or sometimes you never experience it and that is final. i don't know why i trouble myself like this, allowing my brain to constantly battle with whether or not this will be the last thing i type up, whether the chocolate i ate will be the last food i get to taste, whether the kiss i shared with my girlfriend will be our last before she inevitably ends things with me. time moves so fast and in some ways i like that, it stops me from having the opportunity to wonder about all these things, though then something like a global pandemic happens just when i felt like my life was starting and time slows again. i think about how i'm going to die a lot. ideally i'd like it to be on my terms, just wander out into a forest and let the earth eat me back up or something, that feels very idealistic though. in reality, nothing will ever be how i want it, it never has been and i break my own heart on the regular. i want things to be soft and sweet and romantic but the world is harsher than i am and i allow myself to be one big flaw in my own little universe. i don't know what i'm trying to say with all this. maybe that i relate to the world feeling like one big dream, or that i know what it feels like to feel dead before you're actually back in the earth. it feels good to relate to something like that. it hurts a lot too.

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