• Dead Certain

    Dead Certain

    The epitome of 'don't waste your time on this' type of movie. Earlier tonight, me and Jordan watched Sworn To Justice and it had a funny 'graphic design is my passion' poster, but it was an overall fun movie. This, however, has a rather good poster and we were mislead, oh god how we were mislead.

    It is currently well past 4 in the morning and I am dying. Understand, I woke up at nearly 2 pm today, so it's…

  • Sworn to Justice

    Sworn to Justice

    ★★★

    A badass lady who did it all: did martial arts, obtained psychic abilities,
    had lots and lots of sex, had a lesbian moment and terrorized Brad Dourif for like four minutes. Charles Bronson could never.

  • The Horseplayer

    The Horseplayer

    ★★★

    The artist guy in this looks like what Bob from Twin Peaks would look like if some tumblrina decided to draw him as a hot guy or something.

    Anyhow, she really went: 'I can change him' and then backed up and did a whole girlboss, gatekeep, gaslight routine on him and thought that there'd be no consequences? Try again, honey.

    Brad Dourif, I am in love with you.

  • Death Machine

    Death Machine

    "H A C K I N G"

    There are no words, the only good thing about this mess is Brad Dourif who looks as if he got kicked out of Cradle Of Filth.

  • My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done

    My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done

    ★★★★

    Werner Herzog's and David Lynch's love child.

    This is a bit off topic from the review, but there's a scene where an ostrich grabs Udo Kier's glasses and that reminded me of a story my dad told me. He was at the zoo in his student days and a swan bit off a part of his shoe, flash forward many years later (and I was a witness of this next one) a swan attacked my brother on the lake in…

  • Trauma

    Trauma

    ★½

    "Movies make me want to be dead."
    - Mike Stoklasa of Red Letter Media

  • Urban Legend

    Urban Legend

    ★★

    Two minutes in, I said to myself 'This is gonna be ass' and then turned up the volume to Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

    It was ass, I cared about Brad Dourif and Robert Englund alone, fuck them kids.

  • The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans

    The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans

    ★★★★★

    Honestly, this is art.

    For the majority of the time I couldn't even tell that it was a Herzog film until some weird shit started to happen. Like that scene with iguanas? Poetry in motion, I started crying because of a whole scene with two iguanas, it was so beautiful, I want that scene played at my funeral.

    Nic Cage? National treasure, no pun intended. Ever since I watched Pig I've been on a hunt for something similar. And while…

  • Group Portrait with a Lady

    Group Portrait with a Lady

    ★★★

    It's not bad, it's just underwhelming.

    First thing that struck me when I found out about this film is that it was directed by Aleksandar Petrović, who was one of the main figures of Yugoslav Black Wave, so I had to do a little research on how he got to direct this. It appears that he was kicked out of Yugoslavia back in 1973 for alleged anti-communist statements. That was right after he made The Master And Margaret which I…

  • Heaven's Gate

    Heaven's Gate

    ★★★

    This was the gate of hell for me.

    The infamous movie that ended multiple careers, shut down a studio and killed a movement. I hated this, not gonna lie, it was a flat line of an 'epic' and I really, really did not enjoy it.

    However, there were some things that I enjoyed, mainly the filmmaking aspects of it, which is top notch perfect, it is really beautifully done. But what's it good for when the rhythm of the story…

  • Body Parts

    Body Parts

    ★★½

    Imagine: Hands Of Orlac but with more body parts. With one guy taking up both legs and two separate guys taking up each of the arms, one can't help but wonder: who got the ass?

    Gonna put this out loud and clear, this was the regular Brad Dourif thirstwatch, I can't say that I enjoyed it because I wanted to punch the main character in the face the entire time.

  • Fatal Beauty

    Fatal Beauty

    ★★★½

    This is an action comedy that has way too dark themes, the poster is lying to you. And despite it, I was rather endeared by this, I love when I look at the film and just can tell that it was made in the 80's, everything is there and I love it. Plus, I love Whoopi Goldberg, I love Brad Dourif and then Sam Elliott appeared and I dropped to my knees.