Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ★½

What a disappointment to have spent the last 3 days watching this series just to be given this steaming pile of shit at the end.
     JJ....electric chair.
     Rey spent all those years training and not one person ever suggested an intergalactic therapist to deal with these parent issues???? We’ve spent years following her on her journey at this point, and she’d grown a lot, but it’s like this team instantly takes her back to the beginning, forces her on another journey, which ends on her regressing back to where this whole series started for some reason. Back, alone on a desert planet, hungry for family and something to throw on her name. 
     I’m not happy Palpatine’s back, but I’m mostly disappointed that he has all this power and is manufacturing clones and didn’t think to at least become hot. Like, if Orlando Bloom walked on screen and said, “hey bitch, it’s me Palpatine lol, come to the dark side,” I’d say okay daddy, sign my bussy up!! But watching him dangle around at the end of a crane arm really made me laugh.
     This is just so bad. Nothing matters, all the rules of the force we’ve been taught are thrown out the window, there are no stakes in any of the battles, there are attempts at comedy that just make the characters seem dumb. 

     Things I laughed at because they were stupid:
•“He must’ve been on a different transport!” Finn is so bad at object permanence he couldn’t tell which transport had Chewie in it when there were only 2 visible in this vast barren desert? Y’all really watched your best friend and one of the last original characters die, then you moved on to another planet and basically forgot about it, until whoopsie, you suddenly **feel** him??! Nothing matters! 
• They can fly now??” sure, why not lol
• Rey says “be with me!” and all the Jedi Spirits say “hello my beautiful people, welcome back to my ASMR channel! swswswswsw tktktktktktkt” whispering in her ears. I died 
• Introducing love interests in the form of iconic actresses Keri Russell and Naomi Ackie just so we don’t think Finn and Poe were [redacted] each other’s [redacted], then criminally underusing them. Ugh 
• Rey and Kylo’s Death Star duel ends with Rey fatally stabbing Kylo, but don’t worry, she’s going to heal him too so this whole battle doesn’t matter. Also Leia DIED?? RIGHT NOW??? For what reason!? 
• Hux looking straight at the camera saying “I’m the spy” after well establishing he’s the spy, right before he gets killed for being the spy. But don’t worry, there’s another man exactly like him, ready to assume his position, so again, it didn’t matter.
• JJ wanting me to care that C-3PO’s memory is getting wiped when we already watched his memory get wiped in episode 3 and he was better for it. But don’t worry, we said R2 hadn’t backed it up but he did so this scene didn’t matter lol 
• Leia couldn’t even get a text back from the galaxy when she asked for help last movie, but Lando has suddenly convinced all rebels in the galaxy to risk their lives and follow him to a secret planet. Convenient.  
• “How do we thank you?” “Win the war!” In a world where our leads constantly deal with liars and smugglers and cheats, you’re telling me someone just risked their life and their ship to transfer you information....just because they’re nice? Nah 
• Palpatine using his blue zappy powers on one single man is what drained and almost killed him in both ep3 and ep6, and I get he’s stronger now, but he’s now strong enough to use these powers on thousands of massive space crafts and millions of people and it does nothing to him??

Things I wanted to puke at:
• ReyLo kiss

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