• The Last Days of American Crime

    The Last Days of American Crime

    “What can I get you? You want something? A drink? Cocaine? We’ve got some great cocaine”

    This movie is one of the ten plagues of 2020 but you can’t deny that a few of the lines sound like they were written by Tommy Wiseau which is fucking hilarious

  • 365 Days

    365 Days

    lol

  • Artemis Fowl

    Artemis Fowl

    ½

    shartemis foul

  • Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness

    Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness

    ★★★½

    it’s disturbing that some people are actually defending a narcissistic animal abusing shitbag... saying that, movies about terrible people can be pretty entertaining so i’d watch a film based on him but only if sam rockwell plays joe exotic. if you don’t think that would be a great casting choice you’re lying to yourself

  • Trolls World Tour

    Trolls World Tour

    ★★★★★

    gonna shoot cereal milk and heroin directly into my corneas and get ready for what i predict will be a monumental accomplishment

  • Knives Out

    Knives Out

    ★★★★½

    “I spoke in the car about the hole at the center of this donut. And yes, what you and Harlan did that fateful night seems at first glance to fill that hole perfectly. A donut hole in the donut's hole. But we must look a little closer. And when we do, we see that the donut hole has a hole in its center - it is not a donut hole at all but a smaller donut with its own hole, and our donut is not a hole at all!“

    one of the best movies of 2019

  • Jumanji: The Next Level

    Jumanji: The Next Level

    ★½

    if a couple months from now i come across a person who can recite one line from this movie from memory i will write them a check on the spot for five thousand dollars

  • Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

    Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

    ★★★

    tarantino’s one of my favorite filmmakers but i’m hoping a second viewing helps me appreciate this movie bc it was more disappointing than biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to realize it’s fuckin oatmeal raisin

  • Ford v Ferrari

    Ford v Ferrari

    ★★★

    this movie’s well edited and acted and there’s not really much wrong with it but there’s something missing that i can’t put my finger on. if anyone can help me figure this out i’ll give you a burrito

  • Uncut Gems

    Uncut Gems

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    first off bitch you’re telling me that kevin garnett (whose net worth is 120 million) is gonna stop bidding that easily on the goddamn mystical rock that he believed was helping him win games? ik they included the financial advisor character to make it seem more believable, but it still didn’t seem believable at all to me bc ultimately it was garnett’s decision. 190k wouldn’t be much to a multimillionaire who’s literally infatuated and transfixed by the object in question.…

  • The Sisters Brothers

    The Sisters Brothers

    ★★★

    i liked when dr. steve brule brushed his teeth for the first time

  • Pulp Fiction

    Pulp Fiction

    ★★★★★

    mia wallace has given me unrealistic expectations of women