Cats

Cats

I was looking forward to this. I expected a garbage fire. I wanted to have fun. What did I get instead? A boring, way too long movie with slightly improved (but still pretty bad) digital fur technology and so many terrible songs. Tom Hooper is probably my least favourite director working today and I'm not even sure if I can blame him except for taking the job in the first place. Because while Cats the movie confused me even more about the success of the musical because I just can't figure out what the hell is going on, I also tried to find it out several times beforehand by reading the Wikipedia page and listening to a recording of the musical and it just doesn't make sense. What is Cats about? Why does it even exist? Why did it make billions of dollars? What the fuck is a jellicle cat? How old are the old cats? Can they even die? Is this why they all sing? Because it's the only way to die for them? Mr. Sheffield was right to hate Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Cats' biggest flaw is that it never fully embraces its grotesque side. You already have these weird humanoid cat monstrosities that seem to be tiny and gigantic at the same time – the most disturbing being Jennyanydots who can take off her fur like it's a suit and Macavity who somehow looks like they glued a thin layer of fur on Idris Elba's naked body – why not fully lean into it and make the movie as weird as possible instead of pretending this is an award season contender? This is why the Macavity song or the one about Rumpelteazer and Mungojerrie work better than Memory, because both are just dumb fun while Jennifer Hudson is giving an performance like this is a good movie and she doesn't look like a creepy cat hybrid. Sure, she's good but she's also completely out of place in this body.

I just want to stop thinking about this movie but I have so many questions and I doubt any of them will ever be answered.

Edit: I forgot to mention my favourite/most cursed part, which was renowned actor Sir Ian McKellen bowing down to lick milk from a bowl. There's no way all of his life choices that lead up to this moment weren't flashing before his eyes.

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