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  • Skeleton Man

    Skeleton Man

    How do movies like this get made? How do they get pitched and funded?

    Who are the men who loped into some scuzzy producer's office, probably tucked away in the back of a strip mall on Sunset Blvd with carpet that smells like cigarettes and piss (there is probably an ankle biter that craps on the carpet constantly too, so it also smells like dog shit), and furniture that has not been updated since the late 70s, and said "We…

  • Pet Sematary

    Pet Sematary

    ★★½

    Elliot Goldenthal's first Hollywood score, and he did not come to play; nothing else here is really on his level, though. Reasonably faithful to its source, including the typical dumb King stuff like the Pascow ghost, and there is memorable supporting work from Fred Gwynne and Susan Blommaert (the Satanic teacher from The X-Files!)—but the tone throughout see-saws between direct-to-video-esque boredom and hysterical camp, and aside from the score, the scariest thing here is how atrocious Dale Midkiff's lead performance is (he gets out-acted by a fucking cat).

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  • Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

    Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

    ★½

    haha the police joke that they don't torture "ni**ers" no more, they torture "people of color" hahaha xD

    haha Frances McDormand has to go on a date with a midget whaaaaat??? xD

    Have you ever had an aspiring filmmaker friend who's really into stuff like Goodfellas, who is always asking you to read his screenplay and give him feedback, and then you read the screenplay and it's just smarmy Coen Brothers fan fiction with a self-consciously "literary" title, except he…

  • It

    It

    ★½

    "George reached. The clown seized his arm. And George saw the clown’s face change[...]; what he saw destroyed his sanity in one clawing stroke. 'They float,' the thing in the drain crooned in a clotted, chuckling voice. It held George’s arm in its thick and wormy grip, it pulled George toward that terrible darkness where the water rushed and roared and bellowed as it bore its cargo of storm debris toward the sea. George craned his neck away from that…