Synecdoche, New York

Synecdoche, New York ★★★★★

Recently I've been thinking a lot about death, knowing that one day my life is gonna come to an end. More specifically, suicide. Wondering wether or not my life is worth living just to get to the end. Living having each day just pass by faster, and faster. Having weeks fly by, when it feels like it's only been a few days. Un able to get any joy from anything, even if it's something I love to do. Going through life becoming progressively more and more alone. un able to find any kind of fulfilling love no matter how hard I try. Letting the loneliness I experience every day slowly consume me. Then I end up thinking about, what if someone I cared about were to die, how would it affect me and everyone who knew them. Knowing that the only way I'd be able to see them again is through lifeless pictures, or the memories I have with them. wanting the opportunity to spend more time with them, just to postpone the inevitable once again. Every time I consider taking my own life, that’s always at the back of my mind. Never wanting to put some one through that loss. Though I always think no one would care enough the kick up that much of a fuss if I did. Needless to say, these thoughts made me want to revisit this again. Not only that, it had been quite a while since I last saw this film, so it felt the right time for a rewatch. On said rewatch, it had affected me on a way it never had before. I felt like I was watching this for the first time once again. As the more and more time goes by in my life the more and more I connect to and understand everything Caden's going through. Every single bit of loss, every single regret, the longing for any kind of fulfillment no matter how small. There were times where I couldn’t even handle what I was watching and had look away because it was affecting me so much. As soon as I was an hour in I started having a non stop emotional breakdown through the rest of the film. After it ended, all I could do was sit and think about everything I had just watched. Even on my ninth watch I'm still able to get something new and profound from it. Truly beautiful.

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