David has written 14 reviews for films rated ½ .

  • Home Sweet Home Alone

    Home Sweet Home Alone

    "What a McShame."

    Home Sweet Home Alone is a terrible movie that doesn't even really feel like a movie. It's more like an extended SNL skit.

    This movie makes a lot of fateful mistakes, but none are as bad as the attempts of humor. None of the jokes are funny and most come across as cringy. The jokes feel like they were written by old men who are trying to be young and hip, but don't know how young people…

  • Cinderella

    Cinderella

    "Get off my Dad!"

    Cinderella (2021) is one of the biggest misfires I have seen in quite some time. It takes such a well beloved tale and completely crushes it to the point where it genuinely feels on the same level as a film like Cats, a film that is so focused on its creative vision that it fails to have any heart and comes across as laughably bad at best, cringeworthy at worst.

    Not a single moment in this…

  • Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

    Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

    Maybe I was being a little too harsh on Mortal Kombat (1995).

    Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is a film that I went into with low expectations. The first ten minutes weren't even that bad, if I'm being honest. Like, it was dumb, but I could at least give it props for having a surprising amount of ambition.

    But then, it fell apart, scene by scene, until there was nothing left but a giant rotten tomato. This movie is a trainwreck and…

  • Artemis Fowl

    Artemis Fowl

    Artemis Fowl is an absolute disaster on every level and is quite possibly the worst movie Disney has ever released. Not only does this fail as a big budget blockbuster, but it also fails as a film in general. The direction is extremely confused and conflicted, as so many different stories sloppily intersect without much connection or context. The writing is really, really bad, as it relies on endless exposition and really cheesy dialogue. The performances are all extremely poor,…

  • Open Water 2: Adrift

    Open Water 2: Adrift

    "I'm a monkey in a mailroom."

    I lol'd way too much during this.

  • Transcendence

    Transcendence

    Transcendence is the biggest piece of trash Hollywood has ever put out. There is not a single redeeming quality in the film, and no performance is good enough to elevate the most underwhelming and boring writing I've ever seen. The direction is possibly even worse, making every scene feel like its first take and every character as lifeless as possible. No character in the film is even remotely likable and none are well developed either. It's often hard to tell…

  • Cats

    Cats

    Cats fails on pretty much every level imaginable. As a play to film adaptation, I suppose it works to an extent, but considering that the play is already fairly boring and unenjoyable, that's not a big accomplishment. Unfortunately, the film is actually worse than the play though because the film's direction is so very poor and feels as if this entire movie was created by one bad idea followed by another. The cat designs feel unfinished and creepy, and everything…

  • Star Wars: The Clone Wars

    Star Wars: The Clone Wars

    This is unwatchable.

  • The Star Wars Holiday Special

    The Star Wars Holiday Special

    Hahahahahahahaha. The fact that this piece of garbage exists makes me laugh.

  • The Week Of

    The Week Of

    The Week Of is an extremely unwatchable messy piece of garbage. The writing is atrocious, the performances are annoying, the direction is bland, the humor is extremely predictable and dumb, and the tone is all over the place. Oh, and it's also overlong. Can't give the movie any compliments besides the fact that there are a few moments so out of left field that I chuckled.
    Rating: F

  • Doogal

    Doogal

    I just remembered this existed and I'm pretty sure I lost IQ points just thinking about it.

  • Knock Knock

    Knock Knock

    Easily without a doubt one of the most frustrating movies I've ever watched. The cinematography is pretty decent, but that's it. Everything else is atrocious. I hated it. A lot...