-
-
The Wicker Man 2006
bitches ! you BITCHES ! THIS IS MURDER! *MURDER!* YOU'LL ALL BE GUILTY! and you're doing it for NOTHING!..... killing me won't bring back your GODDAMN HONEY! ARRRRRRRRRRRGH........ ooooooohhh.... i don't get it......... i'm not one of you..... i don't BELIEVE in your god !! i don't believe in sacrifice........ ARRRRRRRRGh......... oooooohhwww......... ohhhhwwww......... oH NO DONT MOVE ME AHHHHHHHHH WHA-AWWWWWWWW !! what is it? what is it? wha-what is it what IS IT WHAT IS IT?!!! OH NO NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEEEEEEEEES! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! OH THEYRE IN MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!......................................... oh god........ oh mai gawd..... OH MAI GAWD
-
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore 2022
abysmal. not sure why so many blockbusters these days are committed to posing as political thrillers when it's so hard to take a movie seriously where the term "Supreme Mugwump" is tossed around casually. actually kind of impressive how committed Warner Bros. is to financing that transphobe so she can keep churning out scripts that somehow get more and more hilariously pointless as the narrative stakes supposedly get higher. just throwing in a new character named Boiley McFudgersnutch or some…
-
Mortal Thoughts 1991
At its core, Mortal Thoughts has a strong concept and a compelling narrative, even if it doesn't quite have the finesse and style of other 90s noir/ crime flicks.
Demi Moore and Bruce Willis are ace, but I cannot be convinced that Glenne Headly was ever particularly convincing in this role. She has a lot of weigh to carry in each scene and I don't think she measures up to her contemporaries.
I appreciate how the narrative twists and turns.…
-
Uncharted 2022
unsurprised that my vulgar auterist worshipping ass loved this piece of shit. it's Venom levels of cheesy, and hey kudos to Tom for trying to escape his dorky Peter Parker typecast, even if he wasn't remotely successful.
what a dumb, stupid piece of shit, gigantic waste of film reel that I fucking adored wholeheartedly.
who the fuck wanted to write a movie where a twenty year old Indiana Jones cosplayer beats a group of generic ass goons up with a cocktail mixer? that's fucking hilarious. i fucking love this shitty movie.
y'all are going to hate this.
-
Firestarter 2022
Unpopular opinion: Stephen King is a mediocre writer with an overactive imagination who wrote a lot of shit during his cocaine-filled alcohol-driven spurge of the 80’s.
This is why his best film adaptations have been the ones that least-faithfully adapt his work.
All that being said, this is a very faithful book adaptation.
-
-
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2022
75
I've been seeing plenty of Halloween (2018) comparisons in the discourse surrounding Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and while it certainly fits snug in the lineage of recent legacy sequels, this feels closer to the gnarly studio horror of the 2000s. It reminded me of films like Jaume Collet-Serra's House of Wax or the first Wrong Turn. This is less of an overt Tobe Hooper pastiche (thankfully) and more of a riff on the commercial horror he inspired. The trauma angle…
-
Infinite 2021
this shit legit pisses me off, hollywood really thinks that we're all huge dumbasses who have never seen another film and will believe that this rip-off nonsense is anything but just a bunch of lazy scriptwriters going 'what if we remade highlander again but this time with no style at all, no cool fights, no awesome music and starring a practically comatose mark wahlberg?'. literally no one asked for this toothless PG-13 wannabe superhero gunk, fuck off with this shit. deserves to be entirely consigned to the growing void of forgotten streaming service originals.
-
Irezumi 1966
Yasuzo Masumura's Irezumi crawls through a lurid tale that is as bleak as it is bizarre.
Surprisingly much like a pulpy noir, we follow these two doomed lovers Otsuya and Shinsuke as they try to reconcile their parents' disapproval of their relationship. A series of betrayals sets this murky plot in motion, as Otsuya is soon kidnapped and forced into becoming a geisha. She's also tattooed against her will a giant thirsty spider with a woman's face. Meanwhile, Shinsuke has killed… -
Student Bodies 1981
Hoop-Tober 2.0, Film 22 of 31:
A film so meta, ahead of its time (with regard to the horror-comedy/slasher-parody genre that would gradually emerge in the coming decades) and referential that I'm hesitant to say you'd enjoy it as much as I did unless you've seen a great deal of horror films from the 1970s and '80s (specifically slasher flicks). I'm almost tentative to call this a horror-comedy because it's so much more the latter than the former that I…
-
Violent Cop 1989
My first Takeshi Kitano flick is one implosive crime thriller, a moody and misanthropic drop into complete grim destruction.
Like a poliziotesschi with all of the electricity drained out, this bleak pummeler follows ruthless cop Azumi, played by Takeshi Kitano, as he infiltrates a drug ring that leads to excessive violence, betrayals, and evocative sax melodies that drench the quiet moments in damaged sorrow.Full of unflinching brutality, the slow pace and stoic nature of these characters makes every "breather"…
Previous