Blue Valentine ★★★★★

i woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach. sort of like a staggering sense of discomfort in the room where i usually feel most at ease. perhaps it was something about the gray painted skies or the toll of this isolation but it felt as though i was carrying my body from room to room without a thought to awaken my lonesome spirit. i must admit that this is not a feeling that is completely unfamiliar to me. not at all. it’s just been one of those days where nothing particularly bad has happened to me but then again nothing particularly good has either.

on days like these i often try to find a piece of art, whether it be an album, a book, a tv show or a movie to make me feel something. it may seem harmful to attempt healing numbness with sorrow, but i find it often provides answers when i can’t seem to form questions. so i chose to watch blue valentine, remembering how daisy edgar jones had mentioned it highly influencing how she got into character for her role in normal people and later stating that they were both very similar studies of broken love within relationships. being someone who cannot get herself to cry at movies and other mediums (a trait that my friends have shared many worries about), i was dumbfounded when the screen swiftly became blurry and my face was dripping with tears within the first 15 minutes of the film.

i felt so profoundly connected to gosling's character and it was as though i had been hit with my reality through another person’s life. on the surface, both of us seem to have so much love to give when in reality, we often use it as an excuse to escape ourselves. i have never really fallen in love, nor have i ever been in a relationship, but even my inexperienced self knows that this is probably the most raw, truthful, and harrowing depiction of love i’ll ever see on screen. i could not have found it at a better time. i could spend hours trying to put into words how much blue valentine has stuck with me on the first watch alone, but it’s simply a feeling i cannot fully describe.

after this viewing, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my being, like i was finally able to breathe and befriend these blues that have settled around me. although i don’t think i’ve understood this melancholy, i’m glad i feel unrestrained enough to simply sit with it. pardon my psychobabble today, i just wanted this to be an etched memory of the day i found blue valentine.

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