West Side Story ½

Chaps who did taps
Aren't tapping anymore, They're doing choreography
Chicks who did kicks
Aren't kicking anymore, They're doing choreography
Heps who did steps
That would stop the show in days that used to be
Through the air they keep flying
Like a duck that is dying
Instead of dance it's choreography
One and all they're not chancing
What we used to call dancing
One and all keep us guessing
What the heck they're expressing
Instead of dance it's choreography!

That's not a song from this movie. That's a song from a WILDLY better movie called "White Christmas". Their similarity? Both are musicals. The difference? White Christmas is a mostly-forgotten stroke of genius, West Side Story is a critics-beloved pile of shit.
This film is the reason the vast majority of the world hates musicals, and think that they are the exclusive domain of homosexual artnuts.

West Side Story takes place in an alternate universe New York, where every single person is a flamboyant gay, a drag queen, or a bulldyke. Propagation apparently happens only by mass immigration from Poland, Italy, and Costa Rica (I'm guessing those places are expelling their gay population en masse?). Another hallmark of this brave (and stunning) new world is that the urban inner city is the most clean and spotless place known to man (sorry, xir).

In this colorful (with paint) society, the only two bisexuals fall in love after meeting at Ru Paul's Grandfather's Drag Event. Realizing that they are the only people who want to bump uglies with the opposite sex, they fall madly in puppy love. But their "look pretty much the same despite alleged racial diversity" gang pals will have none of that! As heterosexual love is a BIG no-no when there is dance fights to be had! One must assert dominance through mincing rolls and wide-legged, ass-out stances. It goes poorly. The male dies, the female cries, the Movie Musical fries.

Never again would musicals (with big dancing) ever be a great thing. The song-but-not-dance musicals would still have their last hurrah in this decade (the 60s), but Barbra Streisand would destroy those.

Just A Person liked these reviews