Pan ★½

A clumsy and artificial patchwork. Levitated ships are used in the dullest chase scenes and vast amounts of fairy dust could knock you into a fucking seizure.

It's just a dreadfully unimaginative film. The drab deterioration of Neverland's mineral mines or seeing the inhabitants explode into colourful gobs of cheap gunfire smoke.

Pan is exempt from any magic. Each palette of computerized mayhem is both disinteresting and lifeless. This is exactly the kind of neutered fairytale that is eaten up by the braindead masses.

There's newcomer Levi Miller who's Peter Pan is defined as a whinging, precocious mamma's boy. He never seems like the messianic "chosen one" that must believe in himself to obtain flight. I couldn't find any endearment within the character since he's so quick to reiterate with tearful emotions. Garrett Hedlund's Hook is absolutely grating—an egotistical can do'er who thickly enunciates every word and tries to woo with his roguish charm. Hugh Jackman's Blackbeard is like a hammy, pedophilic abductor of orphan children and he makes them work as slaves.

Only in a huge, boisterous acapella rendition of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Blitzkrieg Pop" is Pan able to provide something freshly anew. There's also an exciting sequence with a pouncing crocodile. Still, these are barely saving graces amongst the dispirited take-off to Neverland.

This meaningless origin story is a stain in the filmography of its director. I have yet to see The Soloist, though. Joe Wright should just continue making sumptuous period pieces, or ya know, a genre-bending sequel to the exhilarating Hanna.

You'd seriously do best to skip this one. It sucks.

Nick Vass liked this review