• Encanto

    Encanto

    ★★½

    If it turns out that abuela was actually a FARC sympathizer, I’ll bump up my rating by another half a star.

  • Den of Thieves

    Den of Thieves

    2400 times a year. 44 times a week. 9 times a day. Every 48 minutes. A bank is robbed here.

    Literally none of that math agrees with itself.

  • Modern Romance

    Modern Romance

    ★★★½

    Albert Brooks wrote his leading character as a vain, callous, fragile, neurotic, and solipsistic Hollywood twerp.

    He named this character after his real-life brother.

    He cast his brother in a bit part in this movie.

    Thanksgivings in the Brooks/Einstein household must have been delightful.

  • The Deep

    The Deep

    ★★½

    There are several scenes in The Deep where, in lieu of a wet suit, Robert Shaw goes scuba diving while clad in a white linen button-down and flat-front khakis. This movie is rather mediocre overall, but we have no choice but to stan a leisurewear legend.

  • Goya's Ghosts

    Goya's Ghosts

    ★★

    Find someone who looks at you the way Milos Forman looks at buffoonish American actors when he's casting parts for 18th century European royalty.

  • The Social Dilemma

    The Social Dilemma

    ★★

    The director, Jeff Orlowski, decorated the set of the teenage boy's room with a poster of his first movie (Chasing Ice). I'm sure he probably meant it to be a cute little Easter egg, but it infuriated me. Anyway the rest of this movie ain't that great either.

  • Satantango

    Satantango

    ★★★½

    Hour 1: OK, I think I can get on this movie's wavelength. It might be a struggle, but damn these compositions are beautiful.

    Hour 2: Hmmmm... these new characters are interesting, and the compositions are still beautiful. I'm definitely on board now.

    Hour 3: Every movie should be legally required to have a single shot that's at least six minutes long*

    * Unless your movie's Birdman

    Hour 4: This is one of the greatest movies ever made.

    Hour 5: This…

  • Prelude to a Kiss

    Prelude to a Kiss

    ★★★½

    Meg Ryan in Prelude to a Kiss:
    1. Looks like Meg Ryan circa 1992
    2. Works in a bar
    3. Drinks all the time
    4. Is full of existential dread
    5. Loses sleep over the impending collapse of society
    6. Fantasizes about being a grumpy old man just so she can shrug and say "fuck it, I had a good run."

    I've never been more attracted to a character.

  • Déjà Vu

    Déjà Vu

    ★★★½

    Ever notice how it seemed really hard for Ebert to give a bad review to any movie set in Chicago? Yeah, that's me and New Orleans. Let's just call it a hometown discount. This movie is patently absurd but Tony Scott + Denzel + Crescent City = an easy like from me.

  • Like a Boss

    Like a Boss

    ★★

    I mean I'm just spitballing here but maybe your female-led comedy about a female-driven industry would've worked better if you'd had a single woman involved in the writing/directing/shooting/editing of your film.

  • Underwater

    Underwater

    ★★★

    Remember Lockout (aka SPACE JAIL), a mid-budget genre movie that features a bunch of overqualified actors, a legitimately insane  script, and a cinematographer-turned-director trying to prove his bona fides?  Well, Underwater isn’t as good, but whatever. In the January doldrums, watching Kristen Stewart try not to drown or get eaten by sea creatures for 95 minutes is sweet manna from heaven.

  • Cats

    Cats

    ★½

    1. There's no version of this movie that could be good
    2. Tom Hooper took something that was already bad and made it so much worse
    3. "Digital fur technology" will haunt my dreams
    4. WHY WERE THERE SO MANY SHOTS OF CREEPY SMOOTH CROTCHES DEVOID OF GENITALIA?
    5. I kinda like the "Mr. Mistoffelees" song