• Envy



    So fucking stupid that it’s almost inspiring in that it proves there are no barriers to entry when it comes to writing movies, even the shittiest ideas can get funded, filmed, and printed in polycarbonate for generations. Extra credit given for Rachel Weisz (🥵) and just letting Christopher Walken work.

  • Apocalypse Now

    Apocalypse Now


    It’s only my 3rd time watching this but it’s just so monumental that 5 stars doesn’t seem like enough. One of the finest pieces of art ever made.

  • ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2

    ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2


    I have never seen the first one, but I would bet my life that it sucks. Watched this because I own a copy somehow and needed some mindless late night background noise while I got some work done, but for a part II this is like starting with Jason X or a late Saw sequel, only 10x less inspired and 100x more convoluted. Seems like 95% of the creativity/budget went into a few of the kills, which helped to break up the monotony, but I had to pay WAY too much attention to still be as lost as I was.

  • Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

    Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl


    My wife said “they’re so spooky!” when the pirates all turned into skeletons in the moonlight and all I could think of was this.

  • The Apparition

    The Apparition

    So awful I can’t even give it credit for bookending itself at a Costco (was there a deeper meaning??). Lots to hate here, but even the dog directing was maybe an industry worst, so much so that when it dies (confusingly/painlessly/of nothing and mercifully in between scenes) I was completely nonplussed. Very lucky for Sebastian Stan that he locked down his Marvel meal ticket the year before otherwise this may’ve been a stake to the chest of his career. Ashley Greene gives her standard automaton performance.

    Please hear me: I should have turned this off and you should not turn it on

  • Manhunter



    Finally paid $$$$ to win an auction for the coveted Scream Factory blu-ray off eBay and it would’ve been worth 2 or 3x what I paid now that I’ve given it a spin. Manhunter has been a top-20er since the first watch but it creeps higher up the list every single time I see it, and it has never looked or sounded this good. Transcendent, life-changing work, and pound-for-pound one of the best films ever made.

  • The Fan

    The Fan


    Fuck R, she did nothing wrong.

  • Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

    Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves


    I know I’m one of like 5 people who didn’t like this but jfc this is the worst kind of hackneyed zero-effort snarky marvel/star wars assembly-lined bullshit that wants to be the next harry potter/avengers so bad but is just so painfully dull its closer to chemotherapy than cinema - exactly that shit I don’t like on every level

    edit: I gotta say, I do love the dragon sucking itself off on the poster. Very fitting!!!

  • Heavy Metal Parking Lot

    Heavy Metal Parking Lot


    If every documentary ever made were on fire this is the one I would rush in to save

  • Death Wish 4: The Crackdown

    Death Wish 4: The Crackdown


    I know Death Wish V isn’t supposed to super great or anything but it’s really hard to believe after these last two. Finally getting to know Charles Bronson these last few years has been a treat, I love watching him blast his way through life and there’s still so much more of it out there for me.

  • Deep Rising

    Deep Rising


    A head-on collision between TITANIC and ALIEN” is a next level pull-quote, one of the best oversells since Lawnmower Man’s:

    the best computer animation since…
    ‘Terminator 2’”

    which would also work for this because it looks
    t e r r i b l e - but its also got undeniably big/dumb Resident Evil/House of the Dead energy and I could tell the guy who wrote and directed The Mummy/Returns made it without even looking it up, so its not without plenty of rascally charm even if ‘a fender bender between SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL and VIRUS’ would be closer to the truth

  • The Day the Earth Stood Still

    The Day the Earth Stood Still


    Non-caloric garbage aimed at a target 10-tiers higher than its ever capable of achieving. One for the Letterboxd numbers and nothing more.