Suspiria ★★★

Took me half a week to finally log a review for this remake 'cause it's so exhausting. Luca G's Suspiria is kind of a mess that tries to do way too much without really hitting any mark over a bloated span of nearly three hours. I dug the oppressive cold restrained vibe and authentic feeling '70s aesthetic from the fashions to striking locations to the camerawork full of zooms and sustained takes. Most of the movie nails a sort of foreboding witchy atmosphere haunted by peripheral lurking figures and quick subliminal cuts and half remembered dreams. But I really couldn't get down with the smug pretentious and proud no fun nonthesis where characters stand for SYMBOLS instead of actual people, and Luca reaaaaaally reaches for broad historical themes about the Holocaust and German Autumn and the RAF and fascism with little connection to the solid black magick dance academy horror. All of these subplots and desperately highbrow but stoopid thematic detours bog down an already slow and methodical moving picture.

Why should I care if Tilda represents the id, ego, and superego from Freudian theory? What do cutaways to news updates about the Baader Meinhoff group have to do with ANYTHING? Why is Tilda Swinton playing multiple roles like Eddie Murphy in a Nutty Professor sequel? If you ask me, Guadagnino just wanted a faux intellectual excuse to pour over the gorgeous gritty surfaces of '70s Berlin and have fun with Tilda dressed like the sunglasses cenobite from Hellraiser. But excuse me this is ART that tackles REAL ISSUES that some people WON'T GET or whatever. I don't think nü Suspiria even knows what it's trying to say since it flails in so many disparate directions. It's like that kid in film school patting himself on the back for including a bunch of allusions that have no bearing on his project and only sort-of connect once he explains at you in detail after the screening. Can you PLEASE just make a spooky amazingly shot witch dance movie instead of some lumpy historical NOT HORROR drama, Luca? I'm getting kind of tired of directors being afraid or ashamed of making actual scary tales.

Say it with me, people. There's nothing wrong with being a horror movie!

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