Midsommar ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

You hear the one about when Andy from Parks and Rec, Chidi from The Good Place*, White Josh from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and A Very Damaged Woman went to the pagan commune? I can't remember how it goes but it's two and a half hours long and there's no punch-line.

You all are going to fuck around and turn Ari Aster into PTA, an Auteur who never gets called on his bullshit screenplays because he knows how easy cinephiles are to manipulate with some symmetry and deliberate pacing. I did not think he'd go full Neon Demon his second time to bat; the incoherent emotional flow-states of Hereditary were a powerful smokescreen to the fact that none of it's characters resembled human beings. But here Aster strips everything bare, plain to see: it's not the the emperor has no clothes, it's that he's shouting "Hey, look at my dick!" The problem is that Hereditary worked in spite of itself because it was secretly 45 minutes of a really good Conjuring movie wrapped in loud nonsense. This has zero scary moments and mostly fails to even scrounge up some decent psychedelia. When Dani started to panic on mushrooms I too felt impending dread because there was still about two hours ten left in the film and if this was the visual vocabulary Aster was working with I knew my patience would not be rewarded with spectacular visuals. I was right.

This is not a good time and if you are going to be a bore can you at least not pretend to care about trauma? You don't care about these people, Ari, you don't care about their problems, you shouldn't jerk off to crime-scene photo accurate depictions of human suffering when you don't care about telling stories about real people in the real world who suffer, you don't deserve any credit for your elaborately sign-posted shitty boyfriend micro-aggressions when you can't even be assed to give the lead character a trait beyond "anxiety".

*My man seriously has so little imagination he cast Chidi as Chidi. He was writing this script, he saw The Good Place, said "Hey, that's like my character" and then cast him.

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