Scream VI

Scream VI ★★★½

Are there really college courses dedicated to studying slasher films? It’s a fun genre and all, but they are nothing more than shitty movies made by the same people who make porn. Obviously with that being said, I am a fan, but I’m also not going to pretend like it’s some smart medium by overanalyzing it and making up a bunch of bullshit. That’s why it was so fun to see that professor lady die in the beginning. However, that’s also why it wasn’t fun to see the film nerd girl argue with Hayden Panettiere about what the best films are in various slasher franchises. They both agreed on every single one, with the exception of Friday the 13th (nerd girl likes part two, Hayden Panettiere likes part four, both cliché answers). Their favorite picks are so aligned because that is what they think they should like.

Nobody experiences anything anymore. We have access to all of the information in the world in our pocket, we don’t need experiences. Nerd girl and Hayden Panettiere are both too busy to sit around and actually watch horror movies. Or, maybe they’ve had some on in the background as they are scrolling through Instagram. They don’t have the experience of being in grade school and riding bikes to the video store to hang out in the horror section for an hour, carefully selecting what to bring home and watch. Then, being captivated and equally scared by watching it, taping it onto another VHS tape, and enjoying it over and over again. I’m sure it saves a lot of time, but just reading about something on a phone is very different than the full experience. Will nostalgia even exist for people born after the year 2000? I could be way off and maybe nerd girl and Hayden Panettiere do actually enjoy slasher movies and have their own experiences, but they still sounded like a couple of fuckfaces.

Speaking of the word “fuckface”, it is used in this movie! About time, Hollywood. The kids these days might all be emotionless turds who are as predictable as their algorithms allow them to be, but they can also carry a movie. I was sad Neve Campbell didn’t return. However, this doesn’t need her at all. The dynamic between the core four is great. The trick to any good slasher film is both the gore and cast (and the gore in this is insane). These kids are a breath of fresh air compared to Neve Campbell running around and trying to act. Plus, we have Hayden Panettiere to do that in this one, bringing the perfect amount of cheese. It was also great seeing Dermot McDermot doing his thing. This franchise may have killed off our favorite characters so far, but they keep bringing in cool new ones. Because of that, this might be the most balanced slasher series of them all. It’s also worth noting that the moniker “the core four” has already been taken by Derek Jeter, Andy Pettitte, Jorge Posada, and Mariano Rivera. A jock would know this, fuckface.

I hope they keep the Screams coming. I’m sure the internet will always tell the kids that the first Scream is the best, but this one is pretty close. Read my full review here. You just did. Thank you.

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