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  • Heavenly Bodies

    Heavenly Bodies

    β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…Β½

    This movie is nearly perfect.

    Where to begin? The endless, endless scenes of '80s aerobic dancing? Steve the football player who scored a touchdown? The scumbag indoor gym tycoon who screws over the all-women proprietors of Heavenly Bodies Dance Academy? The endless '80s aerobic dancing? The grand finale dance marathon that's oddly metaphorical to the film as a whole?

    Heavenly Bodies succeeds at the one crucial aspect of worldwide cinema: everything. Sure, you could say it may be lacking for…

  • A Quiet Place

    A Quiet Place

    β˜…β˜…Β½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    'A Quiet Place' is a lame movie with a good concept. I'll just list what I didn't like about it:

    1. The monsters were cartoons that didn't move realistically.
    2. Lots of inconsistencies. A mattress blocks out all sound but a door doesn't?
    3. Traditionalist family values were vomit-inducing. Strong man protect family. Woman stay home and have babies. Not just pandering and boardroom-certified, but also super sexist.
    4. Stupid fucking jump-scares. Oh no, Jim can't find Pam. Blood in…

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  • The Blackcoat's Daughter

    The Blackcoat's Daughter

    β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…Β½

    A constant feeling of dread throughout the entire film. Dialogue delivered with masterful confidence. Standout performances by all the leads, especially Kiernan Shipka, proving that she's a rising young star who can act the hell out of a scene. Could not stop appreciating the use of aspect ratio. This is how you do 1.85 right. When someone fills the frame, you feel the intimacy and intensity; when it goes for the rare wide shot, it feels uncomfortable in the best…

  • The Cloverfield Paradox

    The Cloverfield Paradox

    β˜…β˜…

    This is a movie that doesn't really care about being reviewed, so out of respect for its wishes, this will be short.

    I've read that, in real life, programmers created a computer AI that can auto-generate a sci-fi script based on data from thousands of other scripts. The result was a transporter accident of a script: all the pieces were there, assembled and executed to the effect of utter nonsense. Regardless, I'm glad that AI is getting work.

    "Assembled" is…