Call Me by Your Name

Call Me by Your Name ★★★★

"Parce que c'était lui, parce que c'était moi."

Alright I'm a little tipsy and emotional and it's 2 AM so I'm sorry I bet I regret this in the morning but also this website is basically my journal.

This movie has the feeling. I know to others it evokes different feelings and emotions and I think that's beautiful regarding any film. But for this specific movie, it brings out a long forgotten memory, a long forgotten feeling of a summer love that I know for a fact will not last a lifetime. This has an effervescent emotion that comes through, specifically in the scenes of them lying on the grass before their first kiss, of Oliver messaging Elio's foot, and of the scene where Elio says "We wasted so many days." I remember this feeling all to well. Before sophomore year before things went out of control I remember a specific feeling I felt for Colin and his brother where I would stay up late listening to The Blower's Daughter thinking of him and wake up dreaming that I was in his arms. At the time I didn't acknowledge it but looking back at it now I knew that it wouldn't be able to last. A love as one-sided as that can not survive by itself.

That being said, I, personally, don't think the relationship depicted in this film is one sided or unequal/advantageous at all ( if you do think so, I respect your opinion and I only ask that you respect mine.) I think this is a story of a passionate love that lasts. Yes one sided feels it more than the other, but isn't that what happens in every relationship? There is always the one who hangs on longer and in this case it's Elio.

I've been in Elio's shoes and I do feel for him. I remember thinking "I Colin doesn't come back, I will die." But look at me now. It's been two years since he left and I'm still hanging on. And I can fully accept now (despite what I say when I'm drunk( that I miss the emotion that Colin wakened in me instead of missing Colin. He still may be the most beautiful man I've laid eyes on but in reality, I only knew glimpses of his personality and in hindsight, they weren't that great.

Despite that I do miss the effervescent feeling of everlasting love. That summer was so beautiful even if it was painful, and not to be a stereotypical gay quoting P!nk but, "I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned,"(Crystal Ball was a song I listened to endlessly that summer.)

I know that like a lot of people with emotional issues I tie my feelings to songs, movies books, shows, etc. But in this moment, and for the past while, I've felt The End of Love by Florence Welch, she described it as a song about the end of the quest for love from others as an answer to your problems. And it may not be completely over, but I feel the end coming.

Elio looking into the camera and smiles as he cries, telling the audience that he will, despite the difficulties, be okay. And I want to end on a positive note by telling you, my audience, that I will, in fact, despite the hardships, be okay.

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