Rumble Fish

I think i spent the first 4/5 of the movie trying to cram and push something into myself, scream at myself until it unhollows itself. I'm not sure why some fucking people/situations just have that effect on me, sometimes it's a shallow thing like someone ACTS cool or cute or smart, sometimes it's a more profound thing i think like an existential discomfort amidst longing. But the thing is its hard to know which is which or if there's really a distinction between my shallow and my profound (not that they're that far apart lmao.)

so out of confusion and impatience with letting everything unfold and show itself to me slowly over precious time I just try to completely silence myself, like I want Gods voice directly in my head and when I delude myself into believing something in front me holds the whole universe it's like all my senses immediately inwardly collapse from the surfaces of my body and cling like shrink wrap onto that one neuron of hope and unplug from the outside that would harm its delusion. I just want the director's brain to project onto mine directly, their literal eyes to project onto mine, everything

so ya the first hour was miserable on my end because of that ^ (i always get that painful silencing far away feeling when i watch better movies) but the last like 20 minutes were beautiful finally, like I just tried to stop fighting a war against myself to understand it since the surrealism / emotional realism I'm extremely familiar with. Coppola's art ideas were FUCKIng beautiful starting around the last 20 min mark. The voices from different takes overlapped and sometimes motercycle boy's voice didnt come from his mouth they sounded from like god somehow whispering in a crowd, the doves being released into a photograph of a sky, like the real sky isn't enough at all, sounds of brushing hands on metal chain linked fences matched in rhythm but not in texture. I'll note in my tumblr of all of em for future reference

Anyways all in all i think coppola did purposefully suffuse it with longing and doubt in many lost directions, and as I can see above, I did definitely feel that