Cats is like going back home on holiday vacation and booting up your old Windows XP your mom still uses and finding Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone still installed; you open it out of nostalgic curiosity and walk through the hallways for a bit before being unsettled at how vaguely empty it.

Cats is like showing your younger cousins how good Ocarina of Time is and realizing that (though still a great game) the villages feel uncannily vacant and artificial.

Cats is like running around the castle in Super Mario 64 and now understanding how creepy it is being unoccupied, and in the only place where there are others they are also literal ghosts haunting it.

Cats is like watching Foodfight!, except if it had musical numbers and a budget that still went nowhere. Which is the better film? That's a question with no answer.

Cats is a movie that I watched and I hated; so much so that I was physically squirming in my seat. I wanted to leave at multiple points and could only cope by constantly dry sobbing.

Cats is an aberration that should not exist, that induced abject horror with its feline-human hybrids, that had no plot yet things just keep happening despite that, that feel truly alien in ways HP Lovecraft only dreamed he could make, that is a personification of a thousand-yard stare – but is it staring at you, or piercing through your soul?

Cats changed me, and not for the better. Cats broke me, and I will never be the same. Please go see Cats so I can cope through trauma bonding.

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