Rambo: Last Blood ★★★

Well, I finally got around to it. The fifth and final Rambo movie. And I've got good news and bad news..

John Rambo is trying to live a fairly normal life on his Arizona ranch but when his adopted daughter is kidnapped by a Mexican prostitution ring, he has to try to save her.

I'll just tell it like it is. This movie is like a really big sloppy pizza. It's greasy. It's probably not good for anyone's health. It's cheap (like, greenscreens used for driving scenes cheap), but..holy hell, it's also so satisfying, on the most blunt, borderline hysterically clunky, teetering-on-self-parody-level.

The story is not essential to the Rambo series at all. I wish I could say it was a smart and satisfying finale, but it's more like a little bonus side dish. And I appreciate Stallone and director Adrian Grunberg (again..Stallone, basically) trying to give the film a character driven and emotional center, but it's a bit like watching someone without legs trying to dance. They move and shuffle around awkwardly, but it's not really graceful. Ever. At all. Haha.

The action is the saving grace, most of it conserved for one final Home Alone-esque murder orgy, and it's equally satisfying and just hilarious. It's not an action movie as much as a human meat grinder, Rambo just turns people into fucking pulp, with his hands, knives, explosives, guns, traps, you name it. Very little foreplay and then you're just..banged silly, no pun intended. I actually burst out laughing at the final dramatic confrontation because it was so on the nose, again, like..absurd levels of violence, really perfect fodder for self parody.

But you know what? It's delightful. Wonderful in fact. When most movies are hamburgers at best, with a little lettuce, a little bread, some meat, mixed but fun, this is just a shot of good old sloppy testosterone junk food straight to the heart. It goes down fast, gives you a rush, makes you laugh, but I can't exactly give it any remarks for culinary excellence. Stallone and Adrian know what you want, and they ram it into your mouth with their meaty fists. Do I think the fourth movie was more appropriate and a better sendoff? Undoubtedly, yes. But for what it is, this still made me grin a bit. The bad news is that you can't have pizza every single day. You'll only appreciate all its greasy glory if you allow yourself something a little more refined most of the time.