Monty Python and the Holy Grail ★★★★★

The perfect comedy doesn’t exi-

If anybody ever hits me with a fuck-marry-kill including Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I got bad news for the other two, they’re either getting fucked or killed. It was love at first sight when I first watched this masterpiece of comedy at age 7 with my dad, and some 15 years later I still love this film with the same passion as the first time I saw it. I’ll watch it when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when my friend hasn’t seen it, or anytime I want a surefire 90 minutes of laughs.

Every single scene in this film is pure comedic gold: the opening credits, “She’s a witch!”, the black knight, the bridge of death, the cop-out ending, and every damn second in between. My list of favorite lines is pretty much the entire script, but I’ll pick out a few anyways:

"Who’s that then?"
“Must be a king”
“He hasn’t got shit all over him”

“How do you know she is a witch?"
“She turned me into a newt! …. I got better"

“’Tis but a scratch!"
“A scratch? Your arm’s off!"

"You, stay ‘ere, and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave” (this entire scene)

"She’s beautiful, she’s rich, she’s got huuuuge… tracts of land"

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three"

“And that, my liege, is how we know the earth is banana-shaped"

“Stop! What… is your name?"
“It is Arthur, King of the Britons"
“What… is your quest?"
“To seek the Holy Grail"
“What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow"
“What do you mean, African or European swallow?"
“Huh.. I don’t know that… AHHHHHHH!!"

“There are some who call me… Tim"

"You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts"

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