The Old Guard

I hated just about everything in this movie, with the exception of the gay couple, wonderfully portrayed with sincere love and affection by Marwan Kenzari and Luca Marinelli, and the genuinely terrifying image the film paints of constantly drowning to death and waking up on repeat for 500 years.

On the whole, though, this movie looks cheap as hell, with that Netflix filter in Final Cut applied, leaving behind a visually flat and ugly image, devoid of any colour, depth, or cinematic flare. Gina Prince-Bythewood, and her cinematographers Barry Ackroyd and Tami Reiker, shoot the majority of the film in such tight quarters that any scope the subject matter or anamorphic format invites is completely lost. Moreover, any momentum the film tries to establish grinds to a halt by characters constantly stopping to talk in that bullshit action stereotype way of “I’m too tough to tell you what I’m thinking so you’ll just have to infer everything by my scowl.” Charlize Theron’s Andy is so smug, disengaged, and unlikeable that I just couldn’t side with any of her motivations. But the film's most egregious offender? The horrible use of pop music throughout with the most comically heavy handed lyrics to describe everything you’re seeing.

This is a film with an interesting idea completely squandered by uninspired directing, cliched writing and characters (including the requisite nerdy bad guy CEO), a totally misjudged soundtrack, and off-brand John Wick action. Yeah, I really didn’t enjoy this.