I Am Easy to Find

I Am Easy to Find ★★★★½

so, i go back to school tomorrow. it’s the beginning of my final year. in a couple of weeks i turn eighteen. everything is changing, and growing feels like shrinking; life is pressing tighter on my skin. over the past month or so, death is all i’ve been able to think about. i’m seventeen, and i can already feel the world slipping through my fingers. i am not ready for all of this - i feel as if i was meant to stay tied to adolescence forever. 

i am easy to find paints with feeling rather than colour; it dips into a brush that we ought to fill with our own hopeful eye. it is terrifying and transcendant, so i knew i needed to rewatch it tonight. the energy dragging our hearts to one another, moments and emotions never start and end. they are messy and raw and full of life: they bleed, they breathe, they spill, they seep, they slip between centuries and between dreams, so when we feel ourselves falling, our souls move with them. 

i will never not be scared of what’s next. for as long as i remember, i always have been. i am scared that each second that passes by me is gone beyond my reach, and that i might not be a great filmmaker and will live in the shadow of my dreams. i am easy to find reminds me that time passed is never lost. it sits between our fingers and connects us to a greater heart. 

tomorrow will be hard. a lot of tomorrows will be hard. i will live them rather than ignoring them, fill those moments with the kind of love that can split seams and leave the air feeling warmer. i will smile under the sunshine and hug people for no reason. i will write and make films without worrying that they’re bad, and i’ll exist loudly without needing permission to so that the time that i possess does not filter quietly through the world. perhaps, after all of that, i will be content with the honey and wonder that i have given back to the earth. but for now, i will open my arms to emotion, be engulfed by the next wave that comes.

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