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  • The Black Cat

    The Black Cat

    ★★★★★

    You should always trust the dreams you have during a psychic bubble witch movie set apocalypse. These colors don't run, except they do. Green scuzzfuck witch slime from mouth to mouth, open wide and eat my witch puke. Levana's murder set pieces in rainbow black darklight. Let me tell you about baby. Baby is perfectly sedate. baby knows it's fate. My baby is a witch boy. Actress, Model, Dancer - these are the desired occupations of a sleeping witch, of a third mother. And with more glowy maternal confusion, a trilogy is closed. Fuck the Mother of Tears. Cozzi got it a right.

  • Messiah of Evil

    Messiah of Evil

    ★★★★½

    Velvet Vampire goes Pop Shopping. Too drunk on red vodka cocktails to know it's a zombie movie. What's a zombie movie? figures in the landscape, where the beach is one endless oil painting and Dad's paint cool murals all over the beach house walls. This movie is made out of cinnabar and jade women who shop at supermarkets during the Anti-Christ apocalypse. Dawn of the Dead walking along the beach at night, holding hands with Jean Rollin.

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  • Beach Nut

    Beach Nut

    ★★★★½

    Possibly the most abstract of Giuseppe's films. Very different from his previous. Cuts deep//dies slow. This is the most recent film of his I've seen and one of the only that appears to have been made further than walking distance from the trailer park. It stars only him although there are several people credited who never appear in the film. What is this house? Giuseppe Andrews in a Countryside McMansion? He seems to be playing an old man, who shuffles…

  • The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

    The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

    ★★½

    Fred and Barney, roommates in a trailer park. Wearers of the cutest pajamas. Clunky off-brand runny leftovers prequel but shockingly made by the same man. Responsible for masterpieces such as Problem Child 2 and Jingle All the Way. I shouldn't be surprised but the truth is, Viva Rock Vegas makes big promises and fails to deliver. Budgetary restraints taken into consideration, the story isn't great and casting is a piece of shit.

    The star of the movie is PUPPY DINO.…

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  • Baby Driver

    Baby Driver

    I did one teeny tiny measly little wrap day in wardrobe for this movie, so I won't rate it. I did love it and I'm very proud. As a result of this I met Jon Hamm at my friend's birthday party which took place at a skating rink and our interaction was as follows...

    I went to the snack bar, Hamm rolls up. We had briefly met earlier.

    Jon:...... Did ya get a corndog?

    Me: Yeah...

    Jon: Niiiiiiice

    There may have been more but that's all I was able to process.

  • Death Spa

    Death Spa

    ★★★★★

    This is exactly what I needed. Sometimes I get really wrapped up with work and my movie watching suffers. I start to forget who I am and it becomes a this depressing spiral. 'Death Spa' reset my battery. It hits all of the sweet spots. Effervescent beams. Just just soak it up like a girl in a high wasted bikini absorbing UV rays from a hot pink tanning bed. This is as close to the sensation that 'Dr. Caligari' left me with as any movie ever has. This was a pretty fucking zen.