Hook ★★★★★

Ok, let me pour myself a drink and get comfortable because I gots shit to say about this one.

Like many of you I'm sure, I grew up watching Hook with some regularity. Love it or hate it, THERE IT IS. Spielberg was like, "Ya know what? HERE YOU GO, WORLD." I've watched this more times than I can count, and I certainly have had some critical thoughts, none of which prevented me from enjoying it throughout my childhood. But then adulthood came, I got into other things. Hook and Spielberg films in general became something I rejected in a youthful attempt at broadening my horizons and asserting my newfound coolness. This is less of a concern now, but it wasn't until a few years ago when I met one of my closest friends, Mary that Hook became a hot topic again.

It's one of Mary's favorite movies, and the enthusiasm she had when describing her favorite parts was infectious. And VERY particular to her sense of humor, little things that I'm sure most people don't notice. Certain lines that weren't necessarily funny in context of the film were suddenly hilarious when she would quote them, voices and all. I immediately rewatched it and had the best fucking time, I also noticed a few weird things myself and now whenever we hang out there's about a 75% chance that one or more scenes from Hook will be reenacted by us.

It just so happened that this year there was a screening right around her birthday, so it ended up being her party! It was a lovely event and to honor the experience, here is every notable thing I can think of relating to Hook, including Mary's favorite parts...

*Robin Williams lawyer suit is the most 90's thing I've ever seen.

*...until you see the cellphone.

*Peter misses Jack's baseball game, this event will lead to all kinds of weird pirate manipulation from a certain famous pirate who has a name and it's the name of the movie.

*"IT'S SNOWING" *SLAMS DOOR* Tootles is the cutest character in movie film cinema history.

*okay okay, let's get serious.... When they arrive at Wendy's house and Robin Williams is overly concerned with work, he's on the phone, kids running around yelling and playing, he grows frustrated and says Mary's favorite line, which will make no sense in writing and is only funny when she repeats it in her best Robin Williams impression..... "I'M ON THE PHONE CALL OF MY LIIIIIIIIIFE!"....something I would have never noticed until this lovely human came into my liiiiiiiife and changed the way I look at Hook FOREVER.


*Phil Collins.

*Julia Roberts. NOOO. Weird Tinkerbell. Worst casting choice. Almost ruins the whole fucking movie. Can I get an amen??

*Okay okay, so he finally gets to Neverland and there are pirates and they are SOOOO cool. David Crosby???


*He takes the Hook on the pillow and that awesome John Williams song plays and then it attaches and there are sparks and shit because Captain Hook is a LEGEND. Then Dustin Hoffman comes out looking straight up like a cartoon. He couldn't be more than 5"3 and has big red bow in the back of his hair braid. Definitely a Napoleon complex thing going on, gets mad about the red carpet, SUCH a Brat.

*THE BOO BOX. Nothing scarier. Also, hi Glen Close. The Boo Box has also become what Mary and I call the fictional place we put people we don't like anymore, like bad dates and mean stylists. They're all in the Boo Box.

*The most anxiety inducing scene in the entire movie. Robin Williams is getting interrogated by Hook and his men, and a pirate THROWS HIS PASSPORT OVERBOARD. He flew from the United States to London, where he was taken to Neverland by Tinkerbell. HOW WILL HE GET HOME??? Having had countless nightmares about losing my passport in other Countries, this I cannot stand.



*L O S T B O Y S ! ! ! Wild fuckin back flipping orphan skate punks. Thank GOD this movie happened in the 90's when kids were at their Capri Sunniest. Of course the question remains, where do all the orphan GIRLS go? This is more of a general Peter Pan complaint that Hook specifically.

*RU-FI-OOOOOOOO - okay, so Rufio is awesome but wardrobe complaint::: he would cooler if his midrift wasn't exposed, jus sayin. Also the wig is little ehhhh. OK I'll stop Rufio is good.

*This is when things start to get a little confusing. Mary pointed out that this is like Lost Boys, THE NEW CLASS. Meaning Wendy "saved" all the original Lost Boys, brought them to earth where they were adopted from her children's home. I don't understand the aging process in Neverland. Peter went there as a BABY (stupid)...he aged little by little into a 12 year old boy from his frequent trips to earth? This logic, which is vaguely implied, goes against my instincts and brings forth too many additional questions but I will leave it alone for now. (feel free to add any insight to this).

*Meanwhile Hook is lamenting his life. His room is so extra and he's such a fucking Diva, I love it. I also love the ambivalence of which Smee is hardly listening and feasting on Hook's Henry the Eighth-esque buffet. Then comes the greatest line(s) in the movie... "DON'T TRY TO STOP ME THIS TIME, SMEE. DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO STOP ME, SMEE, TRY TO STOP ME, SMEE!" L E L ...everytime.

*Okay, I haven't even commented on Peter's kids yet. Here's the thing. They're kind of wet blankets. At lest Maggie is, cute as hell but ruining my fun. JACK is better, that kid is pretty funny. Remember when he got older and was the geek in 'Can't Hardly Wait'?? Anyway, Hook sets out to make Peter's kids love him, Maggie has to be virtuous and boring so she's having none of that but Jack is disappointed in his father because of baseball, plus I think he must realize that he's on a fancy pirate ship and that's really fucking cool.

*I guess this brings us to the famous food scene. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said. Everyone wants to eat that colorful food. OH!!! One thing I noticed on the big screen is that there's a weird fucking live animal on the table and I have no idea WHY or what it's supposed to be. Like I literally couldn't make sense of it. It was kind of like a beaver but with a different tail and you never seen it's face. WERE THEY GONNA EAT IT? IT WAS ALIVE? WHAT IS ITTTTT???

*When Peter discover's Wendy's old room, Tink jogs his memory and in a series of flashbacks, remembers who he is. His adventures with Wendy, coming to earth one final time to fall in love with her Granddaughter Moira, his wife and mother of his Children. This development is upsetting on many levels. First of all, he had a romance with Wendy for her entire life, not only does he disappoint her but decides to leave Neverland for her SLEEPING granddaughter. He kisses this girl who again, is SLEEPING, right in front of Wendy. What the fuck, Peter! Not okay. This is where Hook diverges from Peter Pan in a way that displeases me. PETER and WENDY are in childlike love for eternity and that's that, stop fucking it up for Christ's sake.

* At this point he realizes that his children are his happy thoughts and can fly again. When he triumphantly flies through the roof and into the sky he is, as if by magic, suddenly in his Peter Pan outfit. MAKE SOME SENSE, SPIELBERG. JK, it's okay. The worst is yet to come...

*I have to admit this transformation has always been weird for me. Robin Williams looks weird in this outfit, I've never liked it. It's hard to explain. Maybe just because adults are not supposed to be Peter Pan. I don't know. This was an underlying observation I made a very young age.

*But okay, then we have the worst scene in the movie, or maybe any movie. Like seriously, almost ruins the fucking movie. Julia Roberts becoming life size in that retarded dress with bad sleeves and her hair is quite large and then having a romantic moment with Robin Williams. Its so EW on so many levels. They have weird chemistry and I HATE HATE HATE IT. Julia Roberts does not look like a fairy. She's too tall and gangly. Her voice is womanly. She's just a WOMAN. Mother of farts, this scene should DIE. Bad Form, Spielberg.

*I guess Peter is ready to fight Hook now. Epic battle between Lost Boys and Pirates. Lots of pranky gags from the boys. and then..... :-(
the fall of Rufio. but...if you need a little cheering up in that moment, keep your eyes peeled for a weird effects choice. Peter's flying around the sails fighting random pirates...Hook stabs Rufio... cut to Peter, a VERY dramatic gust of movie wind BLOWS on Peter, his entire HAIR plus loose bits of his costume are sucked back by this startling zephyr of theatrical anguish. It's very comical if you watch closely.

*Okay so the Clocks and Crocodile: My theory is that Captain Hook hates clocks because he's an adult, and the reason adults are bad and fucked up and un-kid-like is because they're more aware of mortality. Perhaps the other pirates are less aware than Hook himself because he's FACED "death" - the crocodile, hence the obsession with stopping the clock and conquering death, but also to thwart his successor, the next generation/ ie: son. The Spielberg Universe in which Hook dwells sort of muddles this theory, which is more akin to the original story. To defeat Peter Pan would mean deathless freedom in the land where no one ages. But we all know that the Crocodile always gets Hook in the end. A tragic character, Captain Hook.

*Now I'm reminded of how boring Peter's life will be when he goes back to earth. The Lost Boys are so much more fun than his boring sad kids. Back to Moira, and his weird geriatric flirtation with Granny Wendy and everything is normal and he STILL doesn't have his passport.

*I take it very personally that Peter does not stay in Neverland. It ain't even right. I'm always depressed in this moment. But then I'm relieved to see Smee has found his way to earth, just a little kiss from Spielberg so we know he hasn't broken our hearts forever. And THEN Tootles gets his marbles and flies away and even does a little spin on the top of that tall building.

So that's pretty much the whole movie. Think about all of these things next time you watch it and report back. I've been listening to the soundtrack this whole time. For real, like four times back to back. it might be John Williams finest work. The track "Banning Back Home" sounds like Chuck Mangione or some shit. Check it out.

Okay that's all I got, bye.

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