Spectre ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

So, this was even worse then I thought it would be, now to be fair, this is a film that I never really liked, but I didn't hate it either. Well now I can officially say that this is indeed the worst bond film that I have ever seen, and just a terrible film all around. Watching Spectre is to be bored, confused, mad, and well...just sad, sad that they followed up the masterpiece that is Skyfall with this utter abomination. Let's get into why this film, is in my opinion, the worst bond film ever made.

Hoooooo boy, I really don't even know begin with this one, I have so many thoughts that haven't really fully developed yet, much like this movie's script. let's start from the beginning. I like the whole day of the dead parade, I think it's an overall good opening, the whole one shot thing really works well...although, the helicopter battle is interesting, as it re-uses the same music from Skyfall, and I don't think it really fits with the mood that the movie is going for, and it's a sign of laziness that goes on for the rest of the film. The title sequence is pretty good, although it does have some...questionable imagery; Sam Smith's Writing's on the Wall is alright, it can be a little wet and high at times, but it's better then the film. The movie for about the next 30 minutes is actually pretty decent, Bond's following orders from a video Judi Dench's M left him, that leaves him following a bread-crumb trail that will get him to the bad guy. He also asks Q and Moneypenny to help him out with this. M is being crusty as Frick and has suspended him from active duty for being reckless, just like the old days! In other news, I don't like the whole C subplot, it taps into the whole thing of "oh, MI6 and Bond don't belong in the modern world yada yada" When that was done so much better in Skyfall. Plus, you can just tell from the get go that this guy is up to no good, those freakin eyes. We then get to the funeral scene which is pretty good, Bond waving to the one guy is priceless and the one after with the widow. Although, with all the hype surrounding Monica Bellucci's completely wasted. The meeting room scene is also pretty good, and we keep hearing about this mysterious "Pale King" who turns out to be Mr. White from Casino and Quantum. huzzah! But while we're figuring that out, bond is going through a car chase with Dave Bautista, the henchman of the film. Now this sounds fun as frick and it should be...but it's actually pretty boring, which honestly should be a crime. We then get what's probably one of the best scenes in the whole film and that's Bond meeting up with Mr. White, he's been poisoned by Blofeld for disobeying him because of moral objections. It really gives some more depth to this underused character, it's tense, suspenseful and kind of somber. He also delivers the best line in the film which is: "You're a kite, dancing in a hurricane Mr. Bond...so long." I'm so happy we got to see this guy one last time and his sendoff is great...which makes it unfortunate that it's later used in one of the most cringe-inducing scenes of the franchise but again, we'll get to that later.

So it sounds like this film doesn't seem too bad, sure, it's not the best but just seems sort of average, not the sort of thing that qualifies as the bane of my existence. But just you wait, because the second act begins the stupidity, and the third act has us drive straight into the stupid town orphanage, and it does not recover from it at all. So next we follow Bond to meet White's daughter Madeline Swan, he gives her the bad news, she doesn't take it well, so Bond leaves and beats up some goons because she's being taken away by Bautista. It's here that Q shows up and analyzes the ring that bond has, and what we find out in a bit, begins the drive to the orphanage. After Bautista takes Swan, a chase ensues but like the last one, I just feel bored through it, it really doesn't get your blood pumping and it's just not fun. So after that Bond convinces Swan to come with him and we head to Q's place where we find out that all of the Bond villains: Le Chiffre, Greene, Silva, Patrice, and finally Mr. White were all connected through this guy called Blofe...Oh excuse me I mean Oberhauser. After this they go to L'American which is a place and not a person as was previously suggested, this is where the film really begins to drag and it's trying to sell to us that this is the next Vesper, and that they're actually falling in love and it falls oh so incredibly flat, there is a good scene however where they find Mr. White's old office hidden behind a wall and a VHS tape containing Vesper's interrogation. They don't watch it but Bond's reaction is great, they then find out where Blofeld's base is and hop on a train. This is probably the only part of the film that I actually really like and prevents this film from being a 1/10 or 2/10, it evokes From Russia with Love vibes and the fight is Bautista is fantastic, it feels like a good Sean Connery or Roger Moore fistfight, and it's done with no music, his death is a little underwhelming but it's pretty fantastic.

Here we go my brothers and sisters reading this obscure review for a film that came out 6 years ago, we are now arriving at the stupid town orphanage with full speed. We go into the desert and find "Oberhauser's" lair which is actually pretty cool and gives me Dr. No vibes, we meet him and it is here that he explains his master plan of...government surveillance, a bit weak considering that this Spectre we're talking about here, who have the most insane and outlandish world dominations schemes in cinema history, but it's what he says next that has Ian Fleming rolling over in his grave. Blofeld reveals that he is, in fact, behind all of Bond's pain and that everything from the previous Daniel Craig movies was all him, Silva, Le Chiffre, Greene was just all him under a different fact aaaaaand he doesn't really elaborate further, the film just expects you to role with it. After this Blofeld shows the effects of his eeeeevil surveillance scheme by recording Mr. White killing himself, Bond then acts like an erratic drug addict by telling Blofeld to turn it off while lunging at him so that Madeline doesn't see it? it really does not make sense. Bond then gets knocked out and has needle torture performed on him that will make him forget Swan, Blofeld then reveals to us that he is in fact...brothers with Bond, because his dad took him in and now he's jealous because he was nice to him and it does. not. work. They act like they don't know each other, Bond escapes and blows up the whole base with one shot which is....insane but fine. They get back to London and suddenly Swan doesn't want be with Bond so she gets captured (big shock), and by this point I just want the film to end, but it insists on continuing. Bond goes into the old MI6 building and finds photos of previous people on the wall and it's just hilarious to visualize Blofeld cackling as he puts up photos of people that bond knew. Anyway, he now has three minutes to find Swan before the entire thing collapses...then he finds her almost immediately and then shoots down a helicopter with Blofeld in it with a WALTHER PPK IN 380 ACP....excuse me? I'd forgive it if it was exciting but it's just boring and dull (like every other action scene in this film). Blofeld gets arrested and Bond doesn't kill him and then the film ends with Bond and Swan driving off into the sunset. Sweet Holy mother of God, lets finish this stupid godforsaken review.

So, in conclusion, I reeeaaaally don't like this film, I find it boring, drab, and quite frankly lazy, they don't explain Blofeld's plan or how he's behind "all of Bond's pain", they re-use music from Skyfall, the M and C subplot falls so flat along with Swan being James one true love, I don't buy their chemistry at all. The "Brofeld" plot twist doesn't work because they don't fully commit to it, I get no sense watching this film that these two characters previously knew each other. Christoph Waltz is completely wasted in this role, he just looks bored throughout the whole thing. Everything In this film just falls so flat, the good things in this film are far outweighed by the negatives that I can't overlook them at all. This is by far the worst Bond film I have ever seen, and just a bad film in general. I thank God that I never have to watch it again.

P.S. The gunbarrel sucks in this one too, and the entire film feels like it has a piss colored layer over it, what would be gorgeous to look at instead just looks ugly and drab.

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