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  • Final Stab

    Final Stab

    ★★★½

    First of all, I'd like to apologize for all the bad things I've written/thought about 21st century David Decoteau because Final Stab ain't half bad. And if I was a particularly snarky reviewer I would write something like Final Stab starring Erin Hayes' naval. I kinda love the overwrought music, the constant thunder & lightening ( is it normal to thunder & lightening w/o rain all night in California?). Decoteau does direct the shit out this and Final Stab is much more…

  • Witchouse

    Witchouse

    ★★★

    My favorite part of WItchouse is when one of the characters proclaims the party to be totally awesome, and then the camera cuts to Janet pouring from a two-litter Coca-Cola into a glass. Brooke Mueller plays Janet (she was once married to Charlie Sheen (according to imdb.com, when she was pregnant with triplets, she chose to abort one of the fetusessssss, because she always just wanted to have twins (free horror movie plot for you prospective screenwriters)) and she is…

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  • Vampire Trailer Park

    Vampire Trailer Park

    ★★★

    The 'Forget it Jake it's Vampire Trailer Park' of 90s low budget vampire flicks. Floridian trash at its okay-iest. If this was made 25 yrs later, I think the quirkiness would be lethal, but thankfully even a hack like Steve Latshaw recognizes the value of capturing the seediest of early 90s FLA which hasn't changed that much to this day. Money grabbing trailer park owners want their elderly occupants gone. Enter a vampire, two college co-ed psychos, a detective and…

  • The Night Owl

    The Night Owl

    ★★½

    A trio of college gal pals and a half sister (ruh-roh Raggy) head out to one of their archaeological (yikes!) dad's rustic cabin, so Lilith and half sister mayhem ensue. While female-centric Lilith shenanigans are a nice change of pace from the usual bros being bros spam in a cabin, a shit load of nothing occurs in the first hour and the last 38 minutes ain't that great either, but.... as a hang out horror flick, it's okay. At times…

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  • Mutilations

    Mutilations

    ★★★★

    I turned 42 today, so I took the day off from work and as the kids (at least the kids in my middle aged view point) would say #daydrinking. I know you're saying "goddamn it Smellington, we know you're middle age, stop bringing it up and the whole drunk review is sooooo 1990s", but on the other hand *************************, so fuck you. If you're confused, well so am I. Anyhoo, I've been anticipating seeing Mutilations for at least the past…

  • Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment

    Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment

    ★★★

    I always wonder if its worth telling the story where Charlie Sheen saw this at a cocaine party at Chris Gore's house, and thought it was snuff, so he called the FBI to investigate, which in turn started a feud between Chris Gore and Chas Balun. Now if the names Chris Gore, and Chas Balun are familiar to you then you've probably know the story, if not, who gives a fuck. But that would be ignoring history, man. Chas Balun…