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  • Rollergator

    Rollergator

    ★★★

    Rollergator has a female lead that looks great in a sports bra, Joe Estevez riding Carnival rides, a wise crackin' gator puppet, & an interesting soundtrack.So, what else do you fucking what????? I did try to get my 6 year old daughter to watch this w/ me but apparently she has more sense (or important things to do) than I did. So, officially this is a movie for no-one. Well, besides Joe Estevez riding Carnival rides, Rollergator also has a rapping…

  • Toad Warrior

    Toad Warrior

    ★★

    Here’s a pull quote for Toad Warrior: Toad Warrior is the That Obscure Object of Desire of frog movies. Actually, I need to see Donald Jackson’s Return to Frogtown (Frogtown II) just to attempt to map out exactly what road Jackson took to get from making a solid B movie (Hell comes to Frogtown) to this cinematic atrocity. Toad Warrior’s light tone serves as a slight distraction to this searing blight, as Toad Warrior is basically vaguely connected footage edited…

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  • Deadly Playthings

    Deadly Playthings

    ★★★

    Deadly Playthings begins as a Cathy's Curse <ahem> homage (new house, sinister doll, over the top shrill mother, a car crash). The furnished house even has a Chilling Classics 50 movie dvd set in its collection (because you know Mark Polonia watched the public domain print of Cathy’s Curse). Then Deadly Playthings takes a right turn into the Wan Conjureverse. And it’s not too bad. Mark Polonia oft half assed hokeyness is a good fit for the Conjureverse. If anyone wants to start a petition to have him as the director of something like Annabelle IV, I’d sign.

  • Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws

    Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws

    ★★

    What's that series of movies where it's vampires vs. werewolves, and the main vampire lady is a Brit who wears a lot of leather? Well, Vampire Chicks w/ Chainsaws is kinda like that, but its vampires vs aliens, but it's not particularly exciting or fun. The voice over narration reminded me of the old liquid tv Pscyogram (Dear Mum, I'm a big cheese in the industry now <postcard showing cheese>) and despite this movie being titled Vampire chicks w/ chainsaws,…

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  • Mutilations

    Mutilations

    ★★★★

    I turned 42 today, so I took the day off from work and as the kids (at least the kids in my middle aged view point) would say #daydrinking. I know you're saying "goddamn it Smellington, we know you're middle age, stop bringing it up and the whole drunk review is sooooo 1990s", but on the other hand *************************, so fuck you. If you're confused, well so am I. Anyhoo, I've been anticipating seeing Mutilations for at least the past…

  • Silk Stocking Strangler

    Silk Stocking Strangler

    Jackie and Olivia are a couple months short on their rent, so they agree to put on a heavy petting show for their landlord. And as you probably can guess, a little same sex smooching and blouse mauling only leads to silk stocking strangling, auto-asphyxiation, and DEATH. As usual, this Factory 2000/William Hellfire production is unimaginative and personality free (unlike the W.A.V.E. production videos which carry that moldy creepy Uncle vibe) and honestly, in order to make this review even…