• Muppets Haunted Mansion

    Muppets Haunted Mansion

    ★★★½

    I love the Muppets and horror, so I was an easy sell on this Disney overlord Muppet special. It's not perfect, but it made me smile and laugh. Here's what some other Muppets think about it:

    Swedish Chef: Vert de ferk?! Erm barely in de ferking special!
    Miss Piggy: What the pork?! I'm barely in this porking special!
    Kermit the Frog: I'm drinking Lipton tea green with envy! I'm barely in this froggin' special!
    *Animal makes a rimshot for these bad jokes.
    Statler and Waldorf: You call this a Letterboxd review?! Maybe you should close the box!

  • Rest in Pieces

    Rest in Pieces

    Rest in Pieces is the Waffle House of 80s horror: it’s sleazy, cheesy, and weird, but yet still comforting and filling. When the old emphysema-ridden waitress at Waffle House saunters up to my table with bloodshot eyes and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, I’m ready to order my hashbrowns scattered, smothered, and covered. Rest in Pieces is scattered with bad acting and nonsense, smothered with sleaze, and covered in weirdness.

  • Bloodbath at the House of Death

    Bloodbath at the House of Death

    One star for Vincent Price. The rest of this movie was abysmally unfunny.

  • Evils of the Night

    Evils of the Night

    I keep seeing this movie on my watchlist, so I look up the trailer for this movie and forget that I've already seen this movie. I forget to log or review this movie, and the cycle repeats. EVIL ENDS HERE TODAY! I ALREADY SAW THIS SHIT MOVIE! I will not be tricked into watching the trailer for this anymore. I blame the cover that draws me in for some reason unknown.........

  • The Chill Factor

    The Chill Factor

    The Chill Factor is the strangest visit Wisconsin tourism movie made.

    Come to Wisconsin, where we’ve got snow, snowmobiles, racists, and more snow. Come and chill at an abandoned cabin while we possess you and your friends with bad acting and the devil. Take the time to enjoy some of our made in Wisconsin classes such as:

    • Voiceovers 101. Tired of having Morgan Freeman or Ray Liotta narrate your movie? We’ve got you covered with free narration from the…

  • Don't Let Her In

    Don't Let Her In

    In 2021 it’s about time for some good luck.
    I finally watched a new Full Moon Features film that doesn’t suck.
    It’s demonic and creepy and actually well shot
    With good acting to boot and an actual good plot.
    The director of Subspecies made a low budget win,
    With creepy roommate vibes on Don’t Let Her In.
    Another fun watch featured on Tubi,
    I’ll end this rhyme strong by just writing boobies.

  • The Italian Job

    The Italian Job

    ★★★★★

    Oh, hey guys, it’s me, Mark Wahlberg. It’s been a while since I’ve taken over Spinal’s account and wrote one of my own movie reviews, but I’ve been busy. I’ve been spending most of my time at Spirit of Halloween trying to find the best costume that makes my abs look super ripped. I’ve made Spinal tag along and play montage tunes while I put on each outfit. Suck on that Pretty Woman montage, guy!

    Halloween is the most important…

  • Knock Knock

    Knock Knock

    Knock knock?
    Whose there?
    Eli Roth
    Eli Roth who?
    No seriously it's me, Eli Roth. Can I have just a moment of your time to tell you about the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints?
    Are you sure you aren't just trying to trick me into letting you in so you can show me one of your shitty movies?
    Damn, you got me.

  • The Brain

    The Brain

    “What do you see now?”
    Jim Majelewski stares at tv with a naked woman holding an apple.
    “Well, there’s two of them.”
    “Two apples?” David Gale from Re-Animator says, getting angry.
    “No, they’re not apples, but they’re round,” says Jim trying not to get a stiffy in the psych ward.

    That actual dialogue from the Brain perfectly sums up this movie. There are two of them. The Brain came out in 1988, the same year as They Live, which was…

  • The Curse of Humpty Dumpty

    The Curse of Humpty Dumpty

    I must have fallen on my head to want to watch this stupid movie. I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys' R Us kid. My momma dropped me on my head and look what it did! It made me watch this boring slog of a movie because Tubi recommended it.

    I will be honest here that I only made it 55 minutes into this slog. In 55 minutes, a lady with dementia and her two British daughters drive…

  • A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

    A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

    Freddy is the Samuel L Jackson of saying bitch. Welcome to primetime bitch!

  • Forrest Gump

    Forrest Gump

    ★★★★★

    I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) – by The Proclaiming Gump

    When I wake up, well, I know I’m gonna be
    I’m gonna be the man with chocolate in a box
    When I go out, yeah, I know I’m gonna be
    I’m gonna be the man talking to strangers in high socks
    If I meet the president, I know I’m gonna be,
    I’m gonna be the man that has to pee
    If you say ‘seat taken’ I know I’m gonna be…