This contains little of the charm of the Disney ride — even during the portions copied straight from it. The only highlights: The Southern gothic production design and Terence Stamp as Ramsley, the mansion’s extremely droll butler.

The church scene really gives a whole new meaning to the name Divine. And when the lobster showed up, I fully lost it. Just utterly shellshocked by shellfish.

Another Bong hit.

Two names. Two boyfriends. Two best friends. Two semesters. Two school plays. Two dances. Two parties. Two distinct relationships with her parents. Two potential colleges. Two churches. And a hundred million kajillion tears for the scene at the airport.