• Prince of Darkness

    Prince of Darkness

    ★★★★★

    You know how over the years horror fans traveled to Tennessee and took bits and pieces of the famed Evil Dead cabin to the point that there’s practically nothing left now? Well I want some of this circulating green devil juice from Prince of Darkness. Don’t tell me to just buy some kale and a NutriBullet. It ain’t the same! I’d be really pissed if Carpenter was like, “Oh, the Prince of Darkness liquid? It was just a pallet of kale and some pool water.”

  • Lunatics: A Love Story

    Lunatics: A Love Story

    ★★★½

    Just as wacky and fun on the rewatch. This needs Vinegar Syndrome’s weird, smutty fingers all over it.

  • Hellraiser: Deader

    Hellraiser: Deader

    ★★½

    I actually thought this was decent. Deader (Hellraiser has the worst goddamn titles) doesn’t make much sense but Kari Wuhrer screams a lot and whatever they used for blood looked great. I realized however that I don’t understand what Pinhead is talking about most of the time. He always tells someone that they opened the box and he yells “nooooo!” when he’s about to go back into the box. Everything in-between is like listening to an adult in a Peanuts cartoon. He should just grunt like Leatherface.

  • Hellraiser: Hellseeker

    Hellraiser: Hellseeker

    ★★

    Well of course a guy named Trevor thinks pussy is being flung at him in every direction. He probably thinks when he enters a room the Fury Road score plays too.

  • Suspiria

    Suspiria

    ★★★★★

    Let’s be honest, the blind guy was a real pain in the ass. Typical though. Always touching objects with their sticks and not seeing things.

    The velvet wallpaper is insanely gorgeous in 4K. It’s so beautiful that I almost want it covering the walls in my house. Then I can pretend to be Barnabas Collins and scream at people to stop using their pocket technologies when they come over. iPhones and velvet don’t mix.

  • Jennifer's Body

    Jennifer's Body

    ★★★

    Unrated edition because I’m edgy.

    The music is predictably awful but what do you expect from 2009? I’m shocked we survived it. 

    Jennifer’s Body is worth the $4.99 I paid for it. I think it’s pretty good for what it is and it reminded me of the late 90s teen blood boom.

  • A Clockwork Orange

    A Clockwork Orange

    ★★★★½

    I’m morally disturbed by the amount of giant lightbulbs featured in this film.

  • The Green Knight

    The Green Knight

    ★★★★½

    “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS SHIT?!”

                                               - Dmitri (Adrien Brody)


    David Lowery looks like a guy who would’ve killed Lincoln but Booth got to the theatre first.

    Can’t believe Swift was in this. A24 loves their talking animals. It’s like goddamn Animal Farm over there.
     
    My tastes have certainly changed over the years. I often criticize films…

  • The Suicide Squad

    The Suicide Squad

    ★★★★

    James Gunn is like Fun Jesus. 

    Enjoyed this quite a bit and was impressed by the computerized gore effects. As with any of these DC/Marvel films, you could always shave off 10-15 minutes but that’s just my view. This doesn’t have the heart that Guardians (not Cleveland) has, but that was more or less about friendship and The Suicide Squad is about getting shit done.

  • Hellraiser: Inferno

    Hellraiser: Inferno

    ★★½

    Maybe it’s my absurdly low expectations for the series, but I don’t think this entry is *that* bad. I mean, it’s dull and the neo noir narration is laughable after the last movie took us to the 18th century, then 1996, and then like 2127, but Hellraiser: Confidential is certainly watchable. All Hellraiser movies should be no more than 87 minutes though. I’m personally offended that the fifth entry in this bizarre series is nearly 100 minutes long.

  • Hellraiser: Bloodline

    Hellraiser: Bloodline

    ★★★

    The Back to the Future Part II of the Hellraiser franchise. You can smell the desperation in this series since it only took four films to launch it’s main character into the depths of time and space. I’m left confused by the storylines in these movies though. They just don’t make sense and in the end it feels like some long ass sadistic math equation. Would be neat to get a Pinhead vs Jesus Christ movie though with “Man in the Box” playing during their epic yet guaranteed to be shitty battle of light against darkness.

  • Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

    Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

    ★★★★

    Hell on Earth is sorta hard to follow and to be honest, I don’t understand how anyone understands how to defeat Pinhead. It seems like if you treat the box like a rubik’s cube, Pinhead and his ashy crew of kink creatures appear, yet you can win the game of pain by fumbling over the puzzle box once more like a virgin by the dashboard light. I don’t understand and you don’t understand. Important thing here is that III is…