Teddy Roberts’s review published on Letterboxd:
I CAN'T!!! I SERIOUSLY CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
I was ready to tell you that this is a 1 star because it ruined the franchise for me and not because it's actually that bad of a movie but NOOOOOOOOO. It really is that awful in almost every aspect. In a way, it's astonishing how this movie can just be horrendous at everything it attempts.
So if you're here to see me praise the good things in this movie I'm sorry you probably haven't met me before because I'm going to explain why this is the literal worst Star Wars film ever made.
- Rey and Ben kiss and then Ben mother flipping dies after: If you wanna make them kiss fine, go for it, please the five pre-teen girls out there that want that BUT don't make Ben pass out into the void of death so Rey can lust after his dead body, just NO.
- Retconning everything The Last Jedi did: This one is pretty simple, HAVE A ****** PLAN. You buy Star Wars for the worth of a whole country and you decide to just "go with the flow". GO HOME DISNEY!!! I could write the plan for the whole franchise on a NAPKIN and my version would turn out miles better than yours!!! You had EVERYTHING and you blew it.
- Rose gets no Finn, no screentime, no development NOTHING: Pippin from The Lord Of The Rings has more to do then a MAIN character in the whole last movie. Don't get me wrong, I hate Rose, but at least you could have given her something to DO???
- Dialogue: You know it, you love it, you hear it all the time, but I just guess they forgot what all of that meant to people and had someone bang their head against the keyboard for 142 minutes.
- Syke!!! Gotcha mother ******'s: Count it, FOUR fake-out deaths!!! Am I in an alternate universe??? Is this movie secretly good to everyone at Disney who passed this script along and said: "yep looks like it'll make a billion".
- Desperate lonely fan service: Ewoks? Jawas? A medal for Chewie? Tatooine??? I'm so DONE!
- Braindead music: John Williams, great guy right? NOT TO DISNEY! They made the guy record over 3 HOURS of music because they had no clue what the flip they wanted!!! Themes are used...because... I DON'T KNOW it sounded nice there I guess????
- Finn has the force: Yeah uh-huh. The STORMTROOPER!!! You also know that thing he was trying to tell Rey before he dies and is referenced by characters countless times throughout the story? Yep! Never resolved!
- Plot magic: Flippin eh. I can't believe how the force is used in this, I can't believe how they thought it could be treated as if Will Smith came out of a bottle and granted the fricken people of the story a billion magic wishes.
- Selling tickets: Dark Rey? haha nope
- Palpatine is back: "This was the plan all along". Anyone who doesn't call bull on that really needs to check themselves...
- Rey 'isn't' a nobody: COMPLETELY undermines the purpose of The Last Jedi. I really liked that Rey was deserted by everyone because it gave her so much more of a connection with the audience, showing that greatness can arrive from some of the most unexpected places is something so fresh and original for the franchise. But NOOOOO we gotta sell more tickets right Disney???
If I'm being completely honest there really wasn't too much I enjoyed about this. And that hurts to say considering Star Wars has been a big brother to me all my life... but now that the end is here...
I'm honestly contemplating whether or not everything great that came before, was worth it to get to this. I hate that Star Wars is now ruined for me... but that's what happens when movies are made to make money not money is made to make movies.
But hey Clone Wars' last arc is pretty fantastic, so at least there's something good to come out of this mess.