Oldboy ★★

Jonah Hex stars in a pointless remake of a mother fucking classic. Pissing in the street. If you wear cologne you will smell good. Baby-mama-drama. Laughing at stupid-as-fuck jokes. A corpse fucker? Drunk-as-fuck. Vomit. 5 dollars will not get you fucked. Fuckin' Chucky. The umbrella with some silly-fuckin'-I'm-not-an-idiot-I-get-the-fuckin'-symbolism-ha-ha-ha-nice-try-fuckers-simple-minded clue. Hotel California's step-cousin. Not-so-yummy dinner. A thigh-master-bater. Fuckin' Vodka. Playing peek-a-boo with Jules. A pledge. Y2K. Fuckin' yoga. Letters you intend to deliver in person. Brolin the Neanderthal. Coming out of the suitcase. A fútbol Americano beatdown. Seeing a ghost. Your first Google search. A house-call. Shadow-boxing. Where's a fuckin' payphone when you really need one? Grand-theft-bicycle.
Stop, Hammer, time. Sam's fuckin'-awful hairdo. Rubbing salt into a wound. A baseball bat. Sharlto without the fokken' Prawns. A game of six-questions. Scar tissue. Elizabeth Olsen's perky-pretty-nice-and-big-more-than-a-mouthful smile. Closed-circuit fucking. Poor Chucky. Fun memories of school. Sharlto looks like a skinny Chaz Bono. The cat is out of the bag. Yummy handgun! A Dear Jane letter. Smiling because the fuckin' film is over. Josh Brolin is a cool mother fucker. He looks great in a suit. Fuck, at one time he was my pick for the new Batman. However, he has zero chemistry with Ms. Olsen. That's a killer. You could give two-fucks about their relationship. The original is one of my all-time favorite films. Fuck this film. Watch the real Oldboy instead. You can thank me later.

Todd Gaines liked these reviews