Old ★★★½

Things that were bad in Old

1. The dialogue.
2. The exposition.
3. Every other performance.
4. CGI nosebleeds.
5. The dialogue.
6. Shyamalan’s cameo.
7. The fact that The Missouri Breaks never got its name-drop.
8. Its gnawing lack of any scientific basis (hair and nails don’t age rapidly but bones turn to ash in a hot second).
9. The dialogue.
10. Vicky Krieps’ character running around like a maniac screaming about her kids having a virus when they’ve clearly just aged five years in a second.
11. The kids not so much as noticing they’ve aged (despite being able to see each other clearly).
12. A woman randomly screaming “We need to talk about this!” for no apparent reason whatsoever.
13. The dialogue.
14. The palpable awkwardness that lingers between every conversation, as if the cast and crew wrapped up for lunch mid-scene, came back and forgot the mood of what they were shooting.
15. The geographical shambles of the beach itself, and how everybody seems to be everywhere at once.
16. The Shyamalan twist that’s not really a Shyamalan twist.
17. The fact that every parent in the film is a neglectful piece of shit who lets their children wander around a beach that’s slowly (or rapidly) killing them.
18. Vicky Krieps going from delivering the words of PTA to... well... to this.
19. The ending with an ending that ends the ending.
20. Everything else.

[takes deep breath]

Things that were good in Old

1. The camerawork.
2. The big, brass, high-concept balls.
3. Vicky Krieps.
4. Every other performance.
5. The bone-crunching horror of the calcium deficiency monster; one of the most visceral horror sequences for quite some time.
6. Six-year-old pregnancies. That shit is just wild.
7. Alex Woolf.
8. The camerawork.
9. The fact that a film as specific as The Missouri Breaks is even alluded to, making film-nerds like me feel special for a second.
10. A convincingly old Vicky Krieps’ smile as she strains on deaf ears to hear her daughter sing.
11. The whodunnit aspect.
12. The Picnic at Hanging Rock vibe.
13. The B movie trappings that singlehandedly excuse the aforementioned bad things in this review.
14. The camerawork.
15. Shyamalan’s daughter sings the theme song. It’s not quite my bag, but that’s just beautiful.
16. The stroke of genius in weaponising rust infection.
17. How entertaining the film is from start to finish, despite how stupid it expects me to be.
18. The singularly weird atmosphere it generates in a live audience.
19. The capacity it has to leave you talking for hours.
20. Verdict: still better than Signs.

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