it took a moment for me to begin to trust, but once each beat hit, unexpectedly, sometimes with a small laugh, i held on and my body tensed up like a very small knot until the very end.

the force awakens came out before i had seen any star wars movies. by the time i had seen it, i had gorged myself on the original trilogy and begged for more. i remember thinking, “my god, i’ll be in my first year of college when the next one comes out and i cannot even imagine being that old holy shit.” 

so here we are. i have hit a staggering wave of depression as of late, definitely further down than the years since tfa. i wait to start medication in the coming weeks, as it has gotten much, much worse. i did not know i would be able to see this movie until last night. i got to return to this amazingly comforting, grand universe again, and i didn’t even have time to prepare my heart or even tell anyone.

i was thrown out there, back into such a beloved space, and it continues to give me hope. hope for my own personal peace in the form of a space opera. 

i felt my heart swell to see rose, to see east asian women be in this universe, to be heroes. she ignited me. 

we walked out of the theater at 3am and the whole parking lot was soft white with snow. this thin blanket reflected the pink tint of street lamps. i felt the crisp, clean white settle down quietly, like when you can smell the cold. what a perfect way to step out. 

also kylo ren is really hot this time. believe me.