Hack-O-Lantern

Hack-O-Lantern ★★★★

This movie has the most evil pumpkin-delivering pickup-truck driving human-bone-wearing Satanic Mudra-wielding redneck grandpa to ever be in a movie. If my family life were as depressing as Tommy's, I would spend all of my time in my under-decorated (except for the cool Satanic Altar Closet) basement bedroom hallucinating esoteric left-hand-path hair metal music videos too. There does not appear to be any MTV in this house and one of his yards is all dust and rocks and not in a cool, zen way, but in a 'things don't grow here' kind of way and his mom dresses like she is in an Alfred Hitchcock movie if Alfred Hitchcock ran a convent for Satanic Nuns. His brother is a cop where knock-off semi-Member's Only Jackets In Safari Beige are mandatory office wear. Tommy himself dresses like a Weightlifting Commando For Satan With Ritual Black Headband Scarf-Thing. There is an awesome keyboard-centric soundtrack with lots of mounting organ riffs and piano stabs and choral weirdnesses. There is the kind of Community Halloween Party that no one ever attended except in low-budget movies and the kinds of Barn-Based Satanic Ceremonies that take place in the imagination of every Satanic Panic documentary, you know, the kind where you just throw on your Satan-Approved Red & Black Cloak over your JC Penney Plaid Farm/Work Shirt and engage in Guru-Style Wisdom-Transmission of Esoteric Gnosis Through Third-Eye Contact. It is hard out there in the Pumpkin Patch, but at least a Fertile Crop is guaranteed with enough Grave Disturbance, Black Magick, Human Sacrifice and Pentagram Left-Buttock-Branding! Also Roger the On-Duty Cop totally makes out with his new girlfriend on a freshly-dug burial site for Halloween Kicks!

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