• Sisters of Death

    Sisters of Death


    When the guy says to his friend after being paid to drive five young women to the middle of nowhere to some random dude’s compound that is surrounded by a literal electric fence and the women don’t know where they’re going or who they’re meeting, “I just don’t feel right about this”. Wow guy, humanitarian of the year right here (and he’s not even the “heroic” one! The bar is truly on the floor. But the movie’s real flaw is that not enough happens for far too long. The mildly bananas finale can’t redeem a very low grade build up.

  • Dracula 3D

    Dracula 3D


    Normally a movie made in recent decades with such an obvious period aesthetic is charming. See: The Love Witch, House of the Devil. This is not that.

  • Tetsuo: The Iron Man

    Tetsuo: The Iron Man


    I’m just imagining an apartment complex where it’s this poor schmuck, the other poor schmuck from Eraserhead and his mutant baby, the gal from Repulsion, and all the other movie characters who are just having the inexplicably absolute worst time and losing their shit and whatever the result would be from that.

  • Captain Clegg

    Captain Clegg


    When that dude tore open Peter Cushing’s preacher collar to reveal his bare, scarred throat and Cushing gives that vulnerable little swallow? Um, yeah. Clavicles for days on that man. Kink unlocked and hell yes I’m gonna throw hands against the old timey IRS for him too.

  • The Forever Purge

    The Forever Purge


    This is the first one where I checked the running time to see how much longer was left. It felt the longest and for a franchise that is forever winking at the audience with it’s little fourth wall breaking asides, this one wasn’t just on the nose but a full brick to the face. By the time they call the american refugees in Mexico dreamers I didn’t even have the energy care enough to roll my eyes.

  • The Mansion of Madness

    The Mansion of Madness


    Extra star for the ending where the idiot hero challenges the baddie to a duel man to man and the baddie immediately double crosses him and tries to stab him, then tries to brain him with a taxidermy sea turtle before being shot by a gal he’d been keeping prisoner the whole movie who stone coldly proclaims “vive la révlution” to his Napoleon complexed ass as he does and he asks, I kid you not, “is this the end of…

  • Night of the Living Dead

    Night of the Living Dead


    Tubi started playing the color version immediately after the black and white version ended and thanks I hate it. It’s like when you see those pictures of the Roman statues of what they would supposedly look like painted but there’s literally no shading. Congratulations, you ruined it.

  • Martin



    I think this movie was always by its nature doomed. Deglamorizing the ultimate sexy monster: the vampire vs the genre of monster that never has to even blink at sex appeal: the zombie, rewriting the lore of decades of film and literature vs revolutionizing and all but inventing a sub genre, the monster as power fantasy (except here he’s a bit of a sad sack) vs the survivor as power fantasy (even when subverted, Romero’s human hero’s have dignity and…

  • Crash



    The pose at the end as Spader and Unger lie on the embankment together looks and feels so much like that in The Princess Bride after those two lovers share their own near death experience and I think that’s what makes the core of both movies work.

  • Cristiana, Devil Nun

    Cristiana, Devil Nun


    “Is there a law against lovemaking on this airline?”
    Um… yes several I would imagine, even on an Italian airline in the 1970s.

    Where was this priest during the whole public sex demonstration? He was just napping in the bulkhead and left the nun up front to sit right next to the fully nude boning couple.

    Covering for your chore of ringing the bell for vespers by tying the bell pull to your feet while you fuck is pretty ingenious-…

  • Inside



    A rare balancing act where the body horror and gore is intense enough to make me cringe and cover my eyes but not purely gratuitous and shocking, and is creative enough that I keep peeking to see what they're going to sever, gouge or vivisect next. Best torrent of blood since The Shining. Also, I don't know why that lady felt like she needed to dress like Mrs. Danvers to commit these crimes but I respect it.

  • Trouble Every Day

    Trouble Every Day


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    There's a close up of Coré's bloody teeth right after she's savaged her lover that looks exactly like a close up of the alien queen, and suddenly the movie makes a lot more sense.

    Still think it could've come earlier than an hour into the movie.